Porngasm

So, the topic of this post – big surprise – is going to be more about my masturbation habits. Sorry, but I guess it’s just been on my mind a lot lately.

I wrote a Tweet last week that got me thinking about an aspect of my masturbation routine. The Tweet was: “Porn makes me late for stuff all the time! But I can’t use it as an excuse… ‘Sorry I’m late, I was looking for the perfect cumshot to give myself an orgasm to and lost track of time…’” The part about me being late to stuff because I had a spare twenty minutes before I had to leave for somewhere and decided to “check out a couple sexy videos before I go,” then started playing with myself, and couldn’t stop until I came, is true. I don’t know how many times I’ve been late picking my kids up from school due to this phenomenon. This Tweet also got me thinking about how I use porn and how I get off to it. Or, more specifically, how I go about getting off to it.

It all started, as I suppose most of us did, with the thrill of self-exploration. Rubbing my pussy on stuff felt good. I’d hump my stuffed toys, my pillow, or my hand and that was all I needed. Just doing something “naughty” with my privates was enough to do it for me. Even before I figured out the whole orgasm thing, it was all about the pleasure I got from “down there.”

Eventually, I realized that these play sessions could be enhanced by dirty thoughts. These were my first, tentative attempts at fantasizing. At first it was thoughts of boys kissing me. I’d build elaborate scenarios in my mind about the hows and whys of the kiss starring whatever boy I was infatuated with at the time. It wasn’t even French kissing at that point – just lips to lips and some hugging. I’d try to time my “climax” to the climax of the fantasy – him taking me in his arms and planting one on me. I don’t know if I really understood the connection between the kiss and the feelings I was giving myself at the time, but it felt nice to me.

It took some time, but I began to associate what I was doing with sex (in my juvenile mind I referred to it as “Rub-a-dub-dub” until I learned it was called masturbating – yes, apparently other people knew about this and already had a name for it!). This is when my fantasies started to become more graphic. Again, I was pretty clueless, so at first my sex fantasies were about getting naked with a boy and not much more. As I picked up more information, my fantasies became more accurately sexual. A big leap was when I came to understand what an erection actually was. I knew the word, but didn’t really understand how it translated into the penis getting bigger and harder. Things went from just looking, to touching and thoughts of rubbing myself on a boy instead of one of my stuffed animals. It took me a while, but I eventually put it all together.

I had a few glimpses of porn in my early teens. My first being when my brother and his friend stole a Fredericks of Hollywood catalog from a neighbor’s mailbox (or maybe their trash). Not really porn, I know, but it was full of drawings of skinny ladies with big boobs in slinky lingerie and sometimes you could see their nipples. This qualified as porn to me back then. I remember being especially taken by the crotchless panties. It wasn’t so much about the panties, but the word “crotchless” seemed so dirty to me that it never failed to get me all tingly down there.

There was a boy at school who would sometimes have pages ripped out of Playboy or Penthouse. He was quite proud of his collection of tightly folded naked ladies. I could never ask him if I could see, but would always peek over someone’s shoulder when he was showing them. This is when I actually learned the word “pornography.” Which, much like “crotchless,” turned me on just thinking of it. I remember seeing women posing nearly nude in my mom’s Cosmo magazine and wondering if that qualified as pornography. I usually decided that it did, and would pour through every page of her magazines thinking I was looking at porn. It got me excited to do this, but I don’t remember masturbating while looking at mom’s “porn.” I do recall thinking that my mom was being naughty for getting magazines with pornography in them, and that gave me a strangely aroused feeling.

It wasn’t until I found my father’s stash of real porno mags and erotic books that my relationship with porn truly began. By that time, I had graduated to masturbating with my fingers and giving myself real orgasms. I was fantasizing about jerking and sucking cocks. I understood that boys had orgasms and when they did that sperm came out. The goal, as far as I could put together, was for a girl to get the sperm to come out of a boy’s penis. You could accomplish this by rubbing it, sucking it, or letting him put it in your pussy (but only if you wanted a baby). I don’t remember if I was fantasizing about my brother at the time I found Dad’s stash, but it started around that time.

Anyway, when I could, I would sneak out to the old garage (a stand-alone thing in our backyard) and look at Dad’s porn. I devoured the stuff with pictures first. I’d look at the naked ladies, jealous of their sexy clothes, and high heels, and hair, and press my pussy through my pants. Even when I had on a skirt or dress, I would press myself through my panties. I was afraid to expose my pussy and touch it directly. I had this very weird idea that my parents would somehow would know if I touched myself while looking at Dad’s porn. (I was also scared when I had to go to the Doctor because I thought there was a way for him to tell I’d been playing with myself.)

So, while I was getting turned on by the porn, I wasn’t making myself come to it on the spot. Once I’d exhausted the pictures, I began reading the dirty novels and Forum magazines. I can still almost smell the musty odors they gave off. Based on the yellowed pages this collection was pretty old. I would read as much as I could as fast as I could, afraid that if I spent too much time in the garage I would get caught. Once I’d gotten my fill, I’d hurry to my bedroom, cram my hand down my panties, and go at myself while thinking about what I’d seen and read. If I was home alone, I’d also say some of the dirty words I’d read out loud to myself – which turned me on like crazy (still does).

This pattern stuck with me more or less throughout my life. I would get turned on by something, but only later would I get off on it. I would see a sexy scene in a movie, then think about it in bed as I fingered myself. I’d see a hot guy, or a couple making out at a party, or two dogs humping, and build a fantasy around it when I was in the privacy of my bedroom and could do and think whatever I wanted. It was always a kind of delayed gratification thing – which worked just fine for me. This may sound odd, but when I started having sex, I kinda did the same thing. I’d go on a date with my boyfriend and fool around, then when I got home I’d diddle myself to memories of what we’d done. Even when I had actual sex, it was almost like I was doing stuff that I could get myself off to later when I was alone. I often had the urge to masturbate immediately after messing around with my boyfriend and was a little annoyed that he was still around and I couldn’t make myself come right then to what we’d just done.

It wasn’t until I got into online porn that things changed. Hubby and I had watched the occasional, traditional porno movie from time to time, but like my other porn it was more that we’d watch it, get all worked up, then fuck afterward. The sex after watching a porn together was always more intense, but I was often reliving various scenes from the movie in my head as we did it. I never really considered masturbating to the movies when he wasn’t around. It just wasn’t how it worked for me.

I was aware of online porn before I began writing, but it wasn’t something I sought out. I don’t really know why, but I had the sense that it wasn’t “for” me. When I did begin to expand my online interests, it was with written erotica. That felt “safer” and more in line with my history of reading porn more than looking at it. I started with basic couple stuff, but quickly branched out to voyeur/exhibitionist, threesome/group, and masturbation stories. It didn’t take me long to venture into the incest category. Strangely, as I mentioned before, I was mostly drawn to mother/son stories. I don’t know why I wasn’t more pulled toward brother/sister stuff, or daddy/daughter. Maybe it was that none of these stories matched up to my own fantasies on these pairings. Or it might have been how turned on I got thinking of my mom doing stuff like that with my brother.

Whatever it was, I would usually read, touching myself lightly as I did, then when I got turned on to a certain degree I would stop reading and concentrate on masturbating full out while visualize the scenes I’d just read. It was very much like I’d done as a kid.

Then one day I went looking for celebrity sex tape clips. It was out of simple prurient curiosity, but it got me comfortable with looking at porn videos online. I learned about the tube sites and the millions of porn clips available out there. I began to find it difficult not to “take a quick peek” and see what was on offer. It wasn’t long before I was down the rabbit hole checking out things I’d never seen before…men jacking off, pee stuff, gay/bi men sucking and butt-fucking, shemales, “real” incest, fisting, and (yes) a bit of bestiality every great once in a while.

Instead of watching the clips, then stopping and masturbating, things evolved so I was actually masturbating while watching – not just teasing myself, but fucking myself with fingers or a toy, and going at my clit with a purpose. I began making myself come as I watched. I didn’t really think about this as a transition at the time, but now that I look back it was a major shift. I was no longer relying on my fantasies or memories, but getting off directly to the visual stimulation in the moment. I don’t know why it took so long, but I’d guess it had to do with the abundance and accessibility (and variety) of online porn.

It was no longer a matter of having to absorb as much as I could, squirrel it away in the dark corners of my brain, then unpack it later in private to enjoy. I was able to open a browser, quickly bring up whatever kind of nasty filth I was interested in at that moment, spread my legs, and indulge myself right then and there. It was so easy it would have been silly not to do it!

Okay, so this turned out to be more of a history than what I intended. My thought was to explore how I go about getting off to porn now, but I got sidetracked into going on and on about how I got here. Well, it looks like you’re going to have to put up with another masturbation-themed dissertation from me when I write part 2 of this self-indulgent essay.

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Before I saw one, I thought penises were smooth (like a wooden dowel). I was surprised when I discovered they were all bumpy and veiny and hairy and sometimes curved. I think this came from the sex-ed drawings of male genitals where everything was just an outline and unrealistically blank.

What strange ideas did you have about sex back when you were trying to figure it all out?

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10 thoughts on “Porngasm

  1. I was raised Catholic. As a boy I discovered that my mother had a magazine folded in half, tucked away in an old purse. The very first erotic story I read was on incest between mother and son. This shaped my sexual thoughts and my view of my mother and other women. I was told that masturbation was sinful and was not permitted to touch myself. I started dry humping in bed when I got aroused thinking of my mother or an attractive teacher from school. As I got older I learned that there were adult magazines sold in stores and porn videos on VHS as the local video store. I finally took the plunge into masturbation with the help of my jr. high English teacher. She was a beautiful blonde

  2. OMG Rachel. It’s like reading my porn history. With all the online erotica and porn I have not thought about penthouse forum in a long time. Forum was my favorite and probably paved they way for my love of erotica. What I loved the most was the crazy descriptions and words they writers used “I took out my love sausage and drove it into her honey pot”. My porn really got going with my best friend whose dad had the occasional porn mag and Betamax porn videos in a locked cabinet. We would unscrew the hinges on the doors to get the the videos. But we wouldn’t masterbate in front of each other so I’d have to wait till I went back home. I found online porn in College but did not have my own computer so I had to fine the empty computer at the end of a row of computers in the lab at like 2 in the morning to get my fix. Of course rubbing one out had to wait till I got back to my dorm assuming my roommate was not home. Thanks for the trip down memory lane. And thanks for making me feel normal

  3. Loved Penthouse Forum! All the kinky subjects covered where a great turn on for me. And I got so hard when the pictorials started showing girls with shaved pussies. Fuck that was so fucking hot!!! I would jerk off imagining licking and sucking those pussies and fucking them too.

  4. A self-indulgent post about masturbation? I *hope* so!

    It’s really great to read this – I wish I was enough of a writer to put together a similar essay. I completely understand how one’s ‘technique’ evolves over time (and according to technology). I remember back in college, my roommates and I rented a VCR for a weekend (a $100 deposit!) and spent the entire time with, what was it? _The Little French Maid_, _Inside Seka_, and – dammit, one other. I can’t believe I’m blanking on the name. Natch, we couldn’t jerk off in front of each other. As the day went by, you tell everyone was getting tense. God forbid you should take too long in the bathroom! It was so stupid (a conservative midwestern college back in the 80’s where nobody wanted to be labeled a (pardon) “fag”). So we had to ‘save it up’ for bedtime. Nowadays, with the internet and the iPad, it’s as if I’ve died and gone to Porn Heaven. I don’t mean this as an ad, but there’s an app called s p e e d u p t v that is just awesome for porn. And *blush* I’ve been known to make a slideshow of a woman I’m enamored of, and run my own fantasies in my head and ejaculate on the screen. So never ask to ‘borrow’ my iPad *grin*. Oh, and WD portable disk drives are great for storing porn offline and encrypted.

  5. One last thing: I know it’s out there, but I’ve never explored any of the “live” video stuff that’s out there, either for pay or for free or even as a casual online sex thing with a friend. Maybe it’s too much like a real relationship? One thing about smut: it’s completely on my terms. I can think “oh yeah, fuck that pretty pink cunt!” and not worry that someone might be offended by my language. And, I guess, I don’t have to spend an hour taking a shower and shaving to look nice. Talk about “self-indulgent!”

  6. I played around with my dick one night moving it like a joystick, no sexual thoughts whatsoever, and all of a sudden I spurted this strange liquid. I ran to the toilet and thought about what just happened. I immediately made the mental connection with sex ed and what I learned about the human body in school. I was about 11 years old and I still think that this was one of my brightest moments. It also shows important it is to teach this things in school. Instead of shocked and confused I was happy and amused. I soon realized my dick got hard when I looked at “sexy” women. Our TV guide had a picture of naked girl next to the “erotic movie recommendation”. Also our daily newspaper had a “girl of the day” on the third page. So there was plenty of material.

    Masturbation became my favorite past time. I did it at least twice a day. I used our VCR to record dirty movies (basically soft soft porn) that aired after midnight. When I was about 14 we got an internet connection and i had my own computer. Oh boy did my life change. Maximum speed 7 kbit/s but no time or data limit. My computer was on 24/7 downloading pictures/movies and stories. A lot of stories dealt with incest and I was hooked immediately.

    I was wondering if my mother and sister also masturbated and therefore I started to snooping on them. I also sniffed their panties on different occasions. I found out that my mother hid a hitachi wand with her carton of cigarettes (She was always a closet smoker and I am sure that this has something to do with my smoking fetish. different story..) in her closet. My sister used a glue stick( google it to get a better picture) for her pleasure. It was always by her nightstand and if I got lucky she didn’t clean it after using It and I would smell it while jerking off. But my “biggest discovery” was in one of her girlie magazines. The magazine included bad picture stories, interviews with stars, a Q&A page for sex questions, pictures of a nude boy and a nude girl who would tell about their firs sex experience and an article of the week. One issue featured a true report of a brother and sister who were separated at a young age because of adoption. They found each other later in life and started a sexual relationship. I jerked of to that story at least three times the day I first read it. Next week I went to my sisters room when she was not home and grabbed that magazine again and one of her panties. The article was gone. The pages cut out. I could not believe it. I could not find the article in her room. Why did she cut it out? To hide it somewhere for her masturbation sessions? Unfortunately I never found out.

    I still wonder what would have happened If I would have asked her about the missing article.

  7. Gosh, finding porn was such a thrill growing up. It was the times of magazines and the only porn was in the adult theaters. I’d look at the newspaper and get excited as I read the names of the XXX movies. I’d masturbate to anything and everything. In college, I worked in the library, and there were Italian and German magazines with pictures of topless women. When I was on duty, I’d slip off to the back room to masturbate, and it was so delicious, coming in the back room.

    Rachael, don’t ever stop writing about your past sexual history. We who have a high sex drive need to know we’re not alone!

    Love your website so much. Thanks so much for posting again.

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