Wanton Potatoes: Movie Reviews for Perverts

I don’t know a lot about movies, but I consider myself fairly well-versed when it cums to perversion. This gave me the idea that perhaps I could exploit both my ignorance and expertise in an occasional movie review feature here at the blog designed to evaluate movies with a special focus on nudity, kinky situations, and all things sexual.

I have to imagine others have been doing the same thing for years, so I’m not under any delusions that I’ve come up with a wholly original concept here, but I figure as long as I’m watching these lousy movies in hopes of seeing some naughty stuff, that I could do you a favor and either warn you away or let you know if it’s worth checking out (oh, and whether you should be watching with or without pants on).

I haven’t done a lot of planning in terms of how I’m going to format these reviews, so we’ll just jump into it and see if it evolves into something viable, or goes extinct due to some very unintelligent design.

Below is a sample of what I’m looking at doing. Let me know what you think (or don’t think)!

Baywatch (2017)
Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Zac “The Twink” Efron, and hot girls.
Rating: R
Format: DVD

The latest exhibit entered into evidence in the ongoing case of “Has Hollywood Run Out of Original Ideas?” is another remake of an iconic TV show from the ‘90s. Full disclaimer, I never watched the show, but I feel I know everything I need to know about it: 1) Pamela Anderson, 2) David Hasselhoff, and 3) Boobs bouncing in slow motion as sexy women run.
Did I miss anything?

The movie pits Lt. Mitch Buchanan (The Rock) and the lifeguard crew of Emerald Bay, along with a few untested new trainees, against Victoria Leeds, an evil drug-dealing hotelieress out to privatize the beach through shady land deals and several high profile murders. Matt Brodie (Zac), an Olympic swimmer who earned 2 individual medals, but failed when it came to doing his part to help win any team medals, has been sentenced to the Baywatch crew as community service. Will he be able to put aside his selfish tendencies and learn to work as part of a team before the 3rd act climax? I think you already know the answer to that. (BTW, I don’t know (and/or don’t care) where spoiler alerts are supposed go, so you’ll just have to read these reviews at your own risk!)

I rented this one in hopes of finding some decent campy comedy (and lots of bouncing boobies). The film only mildly delivered on both counts. I got a few smiles out of it, but no LOLs that I can recall. There were at least three, maybe 4, slo-mo bouncing scenes (usually done as throwback gags). They were nice to see, but nothing I would consider as bonerific as the original TV show opener. All of you who were horny, hormonal boys during the ‘90s will have to confirm or contradict me on this.

I’m not the kind of lady to go ga-ga over bodybuilder type muscle men, but The Rock is one such fellow who can make me squirm in my seat when he takes off his shirt. His sweet, funny personality is such a contrast to his hunky body that it just does something for me. I’m more attracted to the gymnast type body – lean, solid muscles, but in proportions that I think I can handle. This is where my little nugget Zac comes in. He provided some tasty eye candy, especially in his American Ninja style try-out scene.

Not to fear, gentleman, there are plenty of female cuties to get your trousers roused as well. There’s a generous helping of cleavage in this movie – both tit cleavage and ass cleavage – to keep you at least at half-mast much of the time. The bad news is, there’s no female nipple action at all. I didn’t even really notice any of the girls rocking a decent pair of pokies! Very disappointing. This movie probably would have been rated PG-13 if it wasn’t for the naked dick scene.

Don’t get excited, the naked dick belonged to a dead guy in the morgue. Tsk, tsk, tsk. It seems about the only way we girls get a dick shot these days is if it belongs to a corpse. It happened in Game of Thrones recently, and also in another movie I saw not too long ago. Not the least bit erotic, and more of a turn off than anything else (especially since you can’t avoid looking at a naked dick, no matter if it’s alive or dead). There was a little bit of cock fun at the expense of the chubby “comic relief” character, who apparently has a huge dick, but we only ever saw hints of it through his swim trunks in a couple quick shots.

The Hoff’s cameo was amusing and tastefully quick. Pamela Anderson’s cameo treated us to a brief oasis of MILF cleavage, but otherwise added nothing of value to the movie. There was no worthwhile nudity (we did get to see the comic relief guy naked from behind in the shower), and no sex scenes at all. This is all the more frustrating since the setting and characters provide so many opportunities for naughty stuff! I suppose the Baywatch copyright holders were eager to preserve the family wholesomeness of the original TV show. With this being the case, I’d liken watching this movie to going to Hooters when what you really want is to go to Scores.

Jerk-Offability: Mid-Low (a few slo-mo bouncing titty scenes)
Diddleworthiness: Upper-Low (shirtless Rock and Zac running around)
Nudity: Very Low (fat guy’s naked butt)
Sex: None (not even any off-screen sex, as far as I could tell!)
Naughtiness: Minimal (a few sexy ass/boob references)
Perversion: Minimal (light homosexual necrophilia)
Watchability: Medium (mindless, but not overly annoying)

Recommendation: Something to watch if you don’t have to spend any money and want to kill an hour and fifty-six minutes (long plane ride?). Keep your pants on – at most, you’ll want to grope yourself a time or two.

My Director’s Cut: The Rock fucks everyone with full intensity…including Zac Efron.

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14 thoughts on “Wanton Potatoes: Movie Reviews for Perverts

  1. I like this addition to our favorite blog. Is there gonna be a rating system? Zero through five boners up? Zero through five stages of erections? Those might be kinda chauvinistic but I can’t think of any overt sexual reactions displayed by the female groinitailia. I do like the jerk off and diddle worthyness quota. Nice touch. (Not sure if there was a pun intended there or not.) I also like the use of parentheses within parentheses. I hope you continue with this new feature.

  2. I have a paperback book somewhere in my loft which basically was a list of “mainstream” movies with reviews & descriptions of their nudity – how many tits, how much bum, etc.

    It must be nearly 30 years old, but searching online just now, I see no mention of it anywhere. If I find it, I’ll mail you the details

  3. @Tommy: I thought about that myself (I was leaning toward orgasm spurts for my rating emblem of choice), but then I more or less decided that such a rating was too reductive and not especially helpful as a guide for our purposes (and maybe too subjective – as they say, one man’s porn is another man’s colonoscopy video). That’s why I’m trying out the more descriptive approach of individually rating various key factors that I felt most of us perverts go by when considering a movie (Jerkoffability, Sex Scenes, Naughtiness, etc.). We’ll see how it goes…

  4. I love this new feature. You have a great eye and mind for what gets my dick hard and makes me shoot. Keep up (no pun intended) the good work.

  5. What do you think about rating some porn movies? Some of them are really terrible, and not even worth the time of renting or buying.

  6. @Doogieah: Isn’t that why we’ve moved to a clip-based porn economy? Now that I think of it, I don’t know if I’ve ever really watched a whole porn movie (other than Taboo, but that was purely for professional “research” purposes). My hubby (back when he was my pre-hubby) would sometimes rent a dirty movie from the neighborhood video store (back when those existed). We rarely got past the third scene before we were bwaw-chika-bwaw-bwawing ourselves senseless. I don’t even know if it would be worth trying to review an actual porn movie. As you said, they’re pretty much all terrible as far as general entertainment goes. The only thing that really matters is if the movie touches on your particular fetish or favorite kink. Plus, I don’t know how valuable a review of a porn movie would be for guys if it’s from a woman’s perspective (no matter how perverted she is). I’ll keep the idea in mind. Maybe if I can come up with a unique angle on it I’ll give it a try.

  7. I recommend: stick with erotic writing. Your erotic imaginings are far better than any of the movies you might want to review (Baywatch 2017 was for me a total dud, not worthy of The Rock & Zac). Except perhaps Blue is the Warmest Color and other lesbian Netflix. Besides there is so much free porn these days that mainstream movies can’t compare.

  8. I just got the “wanton potatos” play on words ! Very good :)
    The literalist in me wants your rating system based on potatoes. Mashed, baked, French fried etc. and hot potato ! Obviously you’d need to figure out thd ranking or “wantonous” of each style of spud.
    Great main stream choice to start with. Was titilating and fun and still rather a bad movie.
    In the world of porn I want to give a shout out to Forbiden Fruit. Quality varries a lot but subject mater of step-relative incest is big with them. Thank again for all the kinky blogging !

  9. @JackQ: Ha, I was beginning to think no one would get it! Sometimes I’m just too damn clever for my own good! I do like the idea of using Hot Potatoes for a ranking system. I also thought of giving movies a certain number of thumbs up…my butt.

  10. I like the combination of naughty and funny of thumbs up your butt, but do limited it to your own two thumbs ? And what would be analogous to “thumbs down?’
    With potatoes you have the possibility of tater tots. You have sweet potatoes. If the movie is cheesey you have potato dishes with cheese to choose from. You have bake potatoes with different fixens – bacon bits or how about sour cream ! – to choose from.
    I really enjoy imagining you with your thumbs up your butt and will pull my “spud” over that image when I get a chance ! OMG – gives a whole new & naughty deminsion to potato head ! That’s Mr Potato Head to you partner ;) !

  11. I like the review idea a lot! I might respectfully suggest that they be “Media Reviews”, which would allow you to review just about anything. Like: did you ever watch _Outlander_ on Starz? It’s very rare for anything in mainstream cinema or even cable to get me hot – but this did the job.

    It’s kinda embarrassing, but the latest _Rick and Morty_ has Rick stark naked in front of his daughter and grand-daughter for ~60-90 seconds (which is a long time in a show like this), and my pervert mind kicked in with Summer saying “Ooh, Grandpa Rick, you have a really big penis!” and reaching over and down – I believe anyone reading this here knows where it’s going from there. No, it didn’t happen in the show – but the show is based on the concept of a twisted Doc Brown and Marty from _Back to the Future_. I suspect they had to tone it down quite a bit for television.

    (Formerly MisterPickles, but I discovered that there is a cartoon series of that name which I find distasteful).

  12. Did you miss the off screen sex at the end between the fat guy and CJ? You know, where he wakes up naked on the couch with CJ in the kitchen cooking him breakfast…

    Or did I fall asleep and dream that part?

  13. @john: Yes, I was a bit confused about that scene. I’d have to watch it again to see if I could find any clues that they actually did it, but I don’t really want to watch it again. My conclusion was that if they’d had sex, he would have woken up in her bed, not on her couch, but I’m open to evidence of the contrary…

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