Size Matters

<< Slippery Tip #1

Rachael’s Slippery Tip #2: Start small.

Writing porn is a shitload of fun! But, if you want to do it well, it can also be a lot of work. One problem I’ve seen many first time writers run into is that they’ve envisioned a sweeping erotic epic with a large cast of horny characters coupling and tripling up in an endless array of combinations, but when it comes to translating their opus into a real story they peter out a few pages into it. For your first couple of stories it’s important not to bite off more than you can chew (or, more appropriately for our purposes, don’t jerk off more than you can swallow).

When you’re starting out, think in terms of setting up a simple situation that leads to one good sex scene. Son walks in on mom masturbating with a dildo and offers to let her use his cock. Dad sneaks into daughter’s bedroom at night to jerk off on her face, but she wakes up and sucks daddy off. Sister doesn’t want to be the only virgin at school and gets her little brother to pop her cherry.

Nothing fancy, nothing too complicated, just a straight forward cause and effect situation. Keep the main action strictly between two characters. There could be a third character lurking around to add some tension, but the sex scene needs to revolve around just two people (or any combination of two humans, aliens, elves, dogs, and/or vampires). Along the same lines, don’t try to have your amorous couple perform the entire Karma Sutra. Limit yourself to one or two sex acts and focus on really bringing those to life. Mom gives son a handjob. Daughter lets dad eat her out. Brother spies on sister sucking off Bandit after winning the dressage competition. Don’t try to do too much all at once.

Shoot for 3 to 5 pages, but no more than about 7. Pages can vary depending on how much dialogue there is, so it might be helpful to think in terms of word count. Around 3,000 words is a reasonable target for your first few stories. Once you get the feel for the amount of time and effort it takes to write a simple story, you’ll be better equipped to know when to begin expanding your titillating tales to include multiple sex scenes, more characters, and deeper plots.

Start small, score a few quick successes by actually finishing some stories, then build from there.

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Happy Wanksgiving

I adore the word “wank.”

This British euphemism for male masturbation strikes just the right note for me. The sound of the word almost perfectly captures the impression of the act it names, much like its more recent American cousin: fap. While fapping has a fun ring to it, I still find wanking to be far superior.

Part of its appeal also has to do with how easily it can cross over to female masturbation. This might ring false to the ear of those from the British Empire, but as an uncouth Yank hearing the term being applied to a woman vigorously fingering herself feels quite fitting.

I also like how easily it rolls off the tongue in various applications. I feel like having good wank. I caught Mom wanking in the garage again. My son is a very dedicated wanker. Let’s wank together! I often find that no other word in American English is as facile as wank for this purpose. I do get a prurient thrill out of the word masturbate, but it is a bit of a mouthful along with being too clinical in many instances. Guys have a lot of good euphemisms (jerk off, jack off, beat off), but they don’t translate as readily to female self-pleasure.

I wish this slang term would be embraced by America, but it seems unlikely at this stage in the game. Maybe in time a new term will arise that ideally fits both sexes. Until then, I’m going to pull down my knickers and have myself a lovely wank!

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Family Friendly

My husband rented the movie Dave and Mike Need Wedding Dates this past weekend. Not what I would have picked, but he’s watched enough of my sappy selections without complaining that there wasn’t much I could do about it. It was pretty much about as dumb as I expected, but there were a few glimmers of twisted goodness that made it not a complete waste of time.

First, there was Aubrey Plaza. She’s got an oddball kind of hotness that appeals to me. The fact that I’ve seen her pretend to masturbate in The To Do List and really masturbating in her Fappening video, moves her to the top of my hotties list. We supposedly see her butt at the end of the movie, but I’m 99.9% sure it’s a body double (still, it a convincingly nice butt). But what really got me was the mild incest stuff.

In one scene Dave and Mike’s younger sister is tripping on Ecstasy, along with other unknown substances, and she ends up totally naked. When one of her brothers (don’t remember which) finds her, there’s what’s supposed to be the awkward situation of him seeing his baby sister nude and horny. Good wholesome family fun!

In another spot, one of the brothers walks in on their lesbian cousin getting finger blasted by Aubrey. One: lesbian finger fucking scene = hotness! Two: Ensuing fight involving female cousin’s naked boobage being mashed into male cousin’s face = super hot!

My favorite scene, however, was when the brother barges into his little sister’s massage room and catches her receiving a bizarre happy ending. Instead of closing the door immediately, for comedic effect he has to stay and witness his sis having a screaming orgasm. Nice!

All of these scenes were simply gags played for the shock value of combining sex and family, but there were no ongoing incestuous relationships (as in Blades of Glory). I’ve often wondered lately in the wake of the recent acceptance of homosexuality, and the even quicker embrace of transgenderism (yeah, I’m almost certain that’s got to be a very un-PC way to phrase it), if consensual incest will be the next great sexual taboo to fall.

I assumed if this were ever to happen that it would be a long way off. Now I’m not so sure. With incest-related porn search terms topping lists around the country, along with incest erotica being the most popular category at most adult story sites, there’s obviously a broad appetite for it despite what people say in public. Add this to incest appearing more and more in mainstream media (I’m looking at you Cersei), and it sure seems like we’re on the path toward normalization.

Of course, it’s also entirely likely that the riots and civil war that today’s election will spark may set us back several decades on this and all other social advances that we’ve seen recently!

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On a less titillating note, my hubby sprang a surprise “vacation” on me. No, it’s not the fun kind where just the two of us wing our way down to some tropical island and fuck like rabid teenagers for days on end, but rather a road trip into the icy north to visit family and visit various cold places along the way.

We’ll be leaving Wednesday and coming back Sunday (assuming society hasn’t collapsed and we’re better off joining a prepper community deep in the wilds of Maine). This means that things will be quieter than usual on the blog for those days. When I get back, I’m going to start in on Open Door 28 and try to get as many of the various contributions I have piling up posted for your enjoyment.

Be back soon!

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Dirty Talkin’ Sluts

I love my porn to include dirty talk. The odd thing is that it turns me on to hear women talking dirty, but not so much men. The guys often come across as creepy, but it seems like a female can say just about anything and it sounds hot. The problem is, it’s hard to find women who can do it well. I’ve got a little video round-up for you that includes a few examples of what I consider doing it “right.”

 
I Wanna Fuckin’ Fuck You!
This one is pretty tame in terms of visuals (I was dying for her to pull her tits out!), but it’s still one of my favorites. The appeal for me is that she’s not a paid cam girl. She’s really getting off and talking nasty not only to turn her boyfriend/husband on, but also herself. This is pretty close to how I talk when I’m masturbating alone. I love talking out loud and saying the dirtiest words I can think of as loud as I can get away with when I have the house to myself.

 
Fuck Me Like a Whore!
Such a pretty young thing, and those tits! I’d love to have a set like that for just one day to see what it’s like. Focus, Rachael, focus. Okay, so this one does it for me partly for the visuals, and partly for the way she’s saying her nasty stuff. Again, love those tits, and I also like how she’s masturbating up on her knees. We don’t get to see much pussy as a result, but there are some nice sounds coming from down there. Then there’s the plaintive lilt in her voice. She might be getting paid, but she makes me believe she really wants the things she’s begging for.

 
You Like My Pretty Little Cunt?
The wild girl for hire in this video is really putting on an act, but she does it with such intensity and enthusiasm that she’s the one I always go to first when I’m in the mood for some hardcore dirty talk. It’s awesome how she pounds her pussy with that dildo, and just goes crazy on herself. And the desperately energetic talk totally ramps up the trill-o-meter for me.

 
 
Fuck My Ass, Daddy!
Abuse and humiliation don’t usually do it for me, but this girl does it in a way that turns me on. Aside from her tight little body that she’s defiled with insults, I love how she goes at her pussy with that hair brush. Hearing her plead for Daddy to fuck her and make her cum really hits the spot. Then, when she adds in that Daddy can invite his friends to do things to her, well that just seals the deal. Maybe I should make a video like this for my dad and send it to him on Father’s Day.

 
Mommy Wants to Fuck Your Face Off!
No dirty talk round-up would be complete without at least one foul-mouthed mommy (I should probably do one exclusively dedicated to dirty talkin’ mamas). I’m sure many of you are familiar with the twisted MILF in this video. I can talk the talk when it comes to perversion, but this lady truly walks the walk. Her liberal use of the magic word ‘cunt,’ combined with the close up POV of her pussy make this video a winner that’s worth going back to again and again.

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Touchy Subject

I often get asked for advice on matters of family sex. One question I get a lot is, “I think my mom is sexy, how can I seduce her?” The short answer is: I have no fucking clue! All my incest experiences are fantasy, so I can only guess at what one should do in a real world situation. When I do respond to these types of requests, it’s usually a message reminding the reader that real life rarely plays out as easily as it does in porn, and that there are real risks with real consequences to making a sexual advance on a family member. It’s probably best to reconsider, and if the decision is to move ahead, do it with extreme caution.

I know, not very sexy, but unless told otherwise I have to assume the person looking for advice is sincere, so I don’t want to encourage them with fantasy porn advice that will potentially ruin their relationship with their family or worse.

With all that in mind, I received a request for advice the other day that deserves some consideration that I believe we, as a body of responsible pervs, can weigh in on and provide some useful insights about.

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Dear Rachael,

I had an experience this past weekend that I would like to relate to you, and possibly to your readers, to get some feedback.

It was an unseasonable warm day when I visited my nephew and his family who I hadn’t seen in about 5 years. His wife is a runner and biker and I have always found her very sexy with beautiful legs, a tight ass, and small perky tits. They have 3 kids, the oldest a 16-year-old boy and the youngest an 8-year-old girl. They are an extremely – I repeat extremely! – religious family. Having been raised Catholic myself, I can only surmise the dilemma of the 16-year-old boy who undoubtedly has been taught that jacking off or merely thinking about naked girls much less seeing them is a sin.

I noticed him watching his mother every time she walked by in her yoga pants and t-shirt. He seemed to fixate on her ass. It was subtle, but he was obviously interested. I then noticed when his little sister insisted on showing us her ballet and tap recital in her little outfits that he had developed quite a bulge in his soccer pants.

He is a great kid, and I really wanted to take him aside and let him know it was natural for someone his age to be sexually excited by seeing his mom and sister. I wanted to assure him that it was alright to jack off to them. But, of course, I didn’t. I know he must be totally confused about what he’s feeling, and, knowing his environment, he has no one to confide in. If you had been in my shoes would you or your readers have said anything? I would appreciate anyone’s comments. It’s never too late to speak up. Thanks

– Grandpa4fun

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