Sharing Secrets

I have never done this before, but I received a lovely e-mail from a reader and begged her to let me share it with you all here. Despite some panic on her part, she very generously agreed. I couldn’t be more thrilled!

There are a lot of reasons I wanted to share this private confession with everyone here. First, I feel a strong kinship with her because of the similarities we share, and I know how liberating it is to take the risk and put your dark secret out there for the world to see. I also believe that she would benefit greatly from knowing her story is being seen by tens, if not dozens!, of people who are understanding and supportive enough to accept her taboo fantasies as something to be celebrated rather than condemned. And, perhaps most importantly, her personal story is fucking hot! I didn’t tell her this, but the second time I read her e-mail I was touching myself and timed it so that I came as I read the last line. (Thanks, C!)

So, here’s what she wrote to me:

I’m the middle sister of three siblings: an older brother and a younger sister. My brother is five years older than me, but my sister is quite a bit closer in age; she and I are only a year apart. Although I now reside separately in my own apartment, we lived as a quaint suburban family in a small house for many happy years.

My brother moved out seven years ago, and I flew the coop quite recently. The only major episode of upheaval in our lives was the death of my father when I was a young girl. It wasn`t quite as pivotal a moment as you might think. Of course it affected us all very deeply, but my mother`s strong character pulled us through. Perhaps it`s a case of infantile amnesia, but I don`t have many memories of my father and neither does my sister. Although I like to think that I knew him well, much of what I do remember comes from stories and anecdotes about him.

Growing up, I started to internalize these stories and create memories or scenarios for myself. It was easy to imagine him coming to my graduation or visiting me at my softball games or swimming tournaments with all the pictures lying around in my house. But to a greater extent, the death of my father led to my brother taking on a more prominent role in my life.

When I discovered masturbation at the age of fourteen, I had unearthed something that gave me newfound pleasures, but also instilled a deep-seated guilt. Talking about sex in our family was not natural, and usually never uttered between my mother and me. Only a few moments of lying under the covers with my sister giggling about something or the other we’d seen on TV, or discussing sexually related material come to mind. As I turned fifteen, my thoughts slowly changed and took on a new direction. I don`t know when exactly I began, but I started to developed fantasies about my father visiting me at night; a man I couldn`t quite recall, but my father nonetheless. I was disgusted with myself, utterly revolted. But the more I masturbated, the more elaborate these fantasies became.

Thoughts of him entering my bed at night, spreading my legs and taking my tight virgin cunt left me gasping, horny and increasingly wet. One of my most vivid fantasies (which I still think of today) is of him and I downstairs in the kitchen. My mother is upstairs in the running shower as I ride my father`s cock, the chair underneath us squeaking with every buck of my hips, my nipples erect, taut in the wafting breeze shuffling through the house. His warm hands cupping my ass, lips hot on my neck, a domestic setting perverted by the heat oozing off our skin, cocooning us in its warmth, a time completely fragmented from reality. I have a lot of other fantasies like this.

But, in effect, this led to other members of my family staring in my personal pornos. My brother came next, quickly followed by my mother – who, in these depraved fantasies, encouraged my father to continue my tutelage. Oddly enough, my sister was the last to join. I still don`t know why, but when she entered the mix, I realized that there was something really wrong with me. It was around this time that I found a few sources online. As you might suspect, my imagination went wild.

I had tried stopping myself, putting limits, ending things when I felt I`d gone too far, but I always came back. These thoughts always returned. Amidst this internal crisis, I took it upon myself to finally get a taste of what I`d been imagining for so long. Please don`t get me wrong, I have never wanted to initiate, and will never initiate for as long as I live, a sexual relationship or what looks to be remotely as such with my siblings or mother.

I had a boyfriend when I was fifteen and almost approaching my sixteenth birthday. Curious about what I`d seen online, and eager to try out a few of the things I`d pictured in my head, I began preparing myself to lose my virginity. It`s quite a thought now that I think about it. I put a lot of research into getting ready. I almost went and asked my mother what it felt like, but then decided against it. Well things went on from there…

I`m still dealing with these thoughts, and constantly coming up with new scenarios. I certainly don`t picture my father with me at the age I am now, but as I was when I was younger — around 15 or 17 years old. My brother grows younger in these scenarios as well. I have not told anyone these private fantasies to this day – hence, I enjoy the anonymity and a chance to discuss them with someone who remarkably shares so many similar experiences.

I was just curious to know how you dealt with these fantasies in terms of your husband. When I think of starting a relationship now, it just feels a bit weird to find myself still masturbating to the thoughts of my father and brother pounding away inside me, or of my sister licking up the cum dribbling from my pussy lips.

And, because I know you’d ask for it if I didn’t include it, here is my response:

I must say it’s a thrill to know there’s another person out there that went through many of the same things that I did. I’m pretty comfortable with my taboo fantasies now (especially since I started sharing them through my writing), and it’s easy sometimes for me to forget the suffering they caused when I was a teen. My family fantasies were probably my greatest source of pleasure back then, but also responsible for a lot of psychic self-torture. I remember constantly having my radar up for any sign that other people had the same kinds of feelings as I did, but I was constantly disappointed. Even if one of my friends had been willing to admit that she thought her own brother was cute, that would have been a big help for me. But the reactions were always along the lines of “Eww, he’s my brother, gross!” As isolating as it was, like you, I couldn’t resist going back to sexual thoughts of my father, brother, and sometimes mother. It was almost like the more upset I got about it, the nastier my fantasies became!

As for how I deal with it as far as my husband goes, I guess I really don’t. I’ve never told him about my fantasies, or even hinted about them. I don’t think he’d understand, and even if he did accept my deviant desires, I know it would change the way he sees me. Keeping secrets might not be a good thing for a relationship, but my fear is that the truth would be worse. I’ve never acted on my fantasies, nor do I plan to, so my perspective is that it’s nothing that he absolutely “deserves” to know about. I have this special, private part of myself that doesn’t affect him in any direct way, so I don’t feel all that bad about keeping it from him. I do, however, feel some guilt over writing about my fantasies and our sex life without him knowing and sharing it with the rest of the world, but I haven’t figured out a good way around that yet.

Growing up, I had the idea in my head that when I got married I wouldn’t need to masturbate anymore. I’d be in a close relationship with a man right in the same house with me who I could fuck anytime I wanted. It didn’t take long for me to realize I was wrong about that. I quickly came to discover that masturbation by myself and sex with my husband were two completely separate things. The one doesn’t have anything to do with the other. I think men are able to compartmentalize this a lot better than we are. They jerk off constantly no matter what, and a lot of women find this to be some kind of reflection on them. “Why would he masturbate when I’m right here and willing to fuck him? He must not be attracted to me! Boo hoo!” Sex with a partner and masturbation aren’t connected. I’ve actually masturbated right after having sex with my husband. Not because he didn’t satisfy me, but because it was so good I wanted to relive it in my mind and get myself off to it all over again in a different way. There are many times when I want to masturbate more than having sex, and vice versa. I’ve learned not to read too much into it or let my masturbation habits serve as a barometer of my sex life with my partner.

With that being said, whatever fantasies I entertain myself with while I’m fingering my pussy are mine and mine alone. If I want to get off to thoughts of my father fucking me, my mother watching me, a college hockey team taking turns with me, or my priest doing me doggy style in front of the congregation, that’s all mine. I don’t need to be ashamed that I have these private thought and don’t share them. As long as I’m not letting these fantasies affect my real life, it doesn’t matter what goes on in my head while I’m making myself orgasm. Now, if I began judging my husband by my fantasy standards, or became resentful because he couldn’t satisfy me the way the hockey team can, then there’s a problem. As long as fantasy stays fantasy, then I don’t see a problem. The day I start flirting with my brother with the real hope that he bends me over and takes me from behind rough and hard like I dream about is the day I know I’m in big trouble. A fantasy isn’t worth risking two marriages and breaking up our families (no matter how good it would feel). Fantasies don’t come with real consequences!

I don’t know if that helps at all, but it’s where my head is at. Becoming DirtyMindedMom has allowed me to open up about my taboo family fantasies in a way that I otherwise never could. I’ve discovered a lot about myself in the process, and have become much more comfortable with my perverted thoughts. I don’t feel as much like a freak as I used to. I’m beginning to see that there are a lot of people who have sexual urges for those related to them for all sorts of different reasons. You and I both have sexual desires for our fathers, but I’m sure they satisfy different unique emotional needs in each of us. I also have a hypothesis that people who make it a point to express disgust over the very idea of anything remotely incestuous are harboring the exact same desires as those of us who have come to acknowledge that “dark” side of ourselves.

Again, I want to send you a heartfelt thank you for telling me about your experiences. I know how much guilt and shame go along with the taboo things you think about, and so I recognize how brave you are for sharing all this with an anonymous stranger. The constant fear of judgment and rejection can weigh heavy on one’s soul, especially when borne alone. And, not to dwell too much on the dramatic, I was also highly aroused by your fantasies. The image of you humping your father while mom is upstairs taking a shower being none the wiser is very hot! And the thought of your sister licking your brother’s warm cum from your freshly-fucked cunt is absolutely clit stiffening!

I have another story from a male reader about a sexual awakening his girlfriend experienced that I’d also like to share with everyone in the very near future.

I should also take this opportunity to send out a big thanks to everyone who takes the time and effort to write to me. My inboxes are a bit swamped right now with the publishing of CSM4 at Lit, but I do read every e-mail, message, and PM you send and love hearing from you about anything and everything. Writing my porn stories and posts is a lot of fun, but knowing that others are enjoying them as well makes it all so much more worthwhile. This wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying if I didn’t know that you were cumming right along with me!

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10 thoughts on “Sharing Secrets

  1. Mmmmmm…As Always when reading a new entry on your blog, I realize that I’m not alone in All of My kinky fantasies or newly discovered kinks and fantasies and especially Grateful that there are others out there like me that kicks off the pressures of society and tradition and enjoys everything that may come along to heighten our sexual pleasures and/or further or fantasies. It only becomes hotter when they actually penetrate our real life with new experiences.

  2. Well that was hot! Ok so I am not alone and to think here I thought I was really nuts. Just kidding! Enjoy your mind. It is a gift to have one that is so free. Let it out to play!

  3. Rachael,

    Let your correspondent know that among us she is welcomed, embraced, even celebrated for her desires and fantasies. She is safe with us, and I hope that she will stay connected here and reach a place of serenity and self-acceptance about her inner erotic life. So might we all.

    P.S. I lost track of of your blog before the holidays because of computer issues that wiped out my browser history and bookmarks. I was happy to find you again! I love your newest posts and came hard reading them last night. Thank you!

    James

  4. Grrrrrrrrrrrr Rachael now that was one very hot letter.. Enjoyed it immensely, couldn’t keep my hands off my best friend, in fact busted a nice nut reading your response.. Imagining you with the priest {nuns watching you} really got me up and ready..

    So glad I found you Dirty Minded Mom, I enjoy your blog and check in like clockwork.. Your boy slut BBB

  5. very interesting read. It would not surprise me if the majority of people have thoughts about sex that they are not comfortable talking about – I guess that is why they are called fantasies. I have a one that I think about all the time – having sex with my lovely 18 year old stepdaughter. I know it will never happen but it is still fun and sexy to think about and it really gets me going. p.s. And I know that if I ever told my wife about it she would kill me dead.

  6. Rachael,
    I firmly believe we are our own worst enemies. We seem to value guilt over nearly every other emotion. We cause most of our own brain damage because of things like our fantasies. And I agree with you that in venting these fantasies in some form or fashion, it has to excise some of the guilt and send it packing. Feel guilty about taking a cookie from the cookie jar, not about wishing you had taken a cookie!

  7. A most enthralling (and arousing!) confession. A tip of the hat to your reader for sharing — and to you, dear Rachael, for your thoughtful response.

    By the way, if the author of the letter above is reading this (and I’m assuming she will at some point), here’s a modest proposal: that you seriously consider composing a sex story of your own, one that deals with these fantasies that you’ve kept secret for so long. The confession above shows that you both A) know your way around the English language and B) have a vivid sexual imagination. Worth thinking about, perhaps…?

  8. Rachel : Thanks for sharing that story was very good. The person need not feel bad over there fantsay .I belive we all got a little/alot worked up reading it. Thank you.

  9. Just a quick note

    Claire and Rachael – I felt a great sense of relieve reading your emails, and I just want to say you are not alone!

    Phillipa xox

  10. It’s so nice to know that there are other people out there that have the same mindset as I do. Rachael I think that your advice to Clair was as good as any shrink could give her. You did good Darlin’……..Larry

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