Say How?

Slippery Tip #7: Poor grammar can (and will) distract readers from masturbating.

Okay, so I’ve been assiduously avoiding this topic since I began this series, but I have to deal with it at some point – grammar. Ugh.

There are two things guaranteed to make my lady wood wilt and cause me to stop reading an erotic story: The mention of a 12-inch cock (especially if this is treated as the expected average), and bad grammar. As soon as I hit the second grammar error, I drop out of horny reader mode and slip into analytical proofreader mode, which is anything but arousing when I’m trying to get off. A lot of porn readers don’t care about grammar and just breeze past these niggling little speedbumps, but, for me, poor grammar and proofreading shows that the writer doesn’t value his or her own work enough to care about how they present it to readers. If they can’t be bothered to take the time to properly proofread and edit their story, why should I waste my time reading it? It also shows a level of disrespect for the readers (IMNSHO).

With that being said, I know that I have my share of typos and slip ups in my own writing. I do my best to excise all the gremlins before publishing my posts and stories, but something always seems to manage to get through. Even stories that I’ve combed through a dozen times! If I go back a year later and read it again, I’ll find several glaring errors that jump off the page and I can’t believe I didn’t see them before. In fact, I’m almost certain you’ll find a few mistakes that I missed in this post! This is the pitfall of proofreading your own stuff – you have a tendency to see what you intended to write and not what is actually on the page. I generally don’t take this advice myself, but it’s never a bad idea to have someone else proofread your stories before you share them – even if they’re not a grammar expert, they’ll easily spot dropped words and other errors that you skimmed past several times without even noticing.

One reference that I find invaluable is “The Creative Writer’s Style Guide,” by Christopher T. Leland. It has a lot of advice and examples specifically aimed at the special circumstances that fiction writers most often encounter (as opposed to most style guides which are aimed at essay writers and the like). This book was out of print when I first hunted down my copy, but you can now get it on Amazon at a reasonable price. A cheap alternative, however, would be for you to resort to the monkey-see, monkey-do method. If you’re not sure how to punctuate something in your fiction, just pull a published novel off the shelf and find a matching example of what you’re trying to do and follow their lead. It can be time consuming at first, but you’ll start to internalize the rules and at least appear to be an expert after a while.

My goal is to keep my tips tight and to the point, so I’m not going to try to tackle every aspect of grammar or this would turn into a book. What I’d like to do today is look at something that trips up a lot of beginning and amateur writers (and sometimes veteran writers): How to punctuate dialogue.

Punctuating dialogue is one area that looking at examples in a published novel will usually provide a quick and easy model for you to mimic. Just be careful, the American conventions differ from those commonly used with British English, so pay attention to your source material and know your target reading audience. There are only a few rules/patterns you really need to remember that a lot of people mess up.

First, just to make sure we’re all on the same page, dialogue is anything a character says (or thinks) that appears between quotation marks. “Fuck me with your 12-inch cock!” A bit of dialogue like this can often stand on its own. The reader will presumably understand who is speaking based on the context. But, it is often necessary to include a cue to indicate who the speaker is so the reader doesn’t get confused. “Fuck me with your 12-inch cock,” Mimsy said.

Notice that this line of dialogue ends with a comma – NOT a period (as might seem intuitive to many). If you use an attribution (e.g. Mimsy said), then the line of dialogue before it gets a comma. Things become a little strange when the line of dialogue wouldn’t normally end with a period. “Fuck me with your 12-inch cock!” she begged. Here we want to add some emphasis to Mimsy’s dialogue, and so we end the line with and exclamation point! Usually, this would indicate the end of a sentence and we’d capitalize the next word as the first one in a new sentence. In the case of dialogue, we don’t do this (she begged is not a new or discrete sentence on its own, but rather part of the sentence that includes the dialogue). If, instead, you dropped the attribution and used a line of action to identify Mimsy as the speaker, then you would capitalize as normal: “Fuck me with your 12-inch cock!” She spread her legs wide, ready to receive his huge member into her drooling love tunnel. Here, She is capitalized because what follows the dialogue is a new, discrete sentence that stands on its own. This same rule applies to question marks. “Do you think your 12-inch cock will fit in my tight, little, virgin cunt-hole?” she asked.

An important detail to notice in the examples above is that the punctuation appears INSIDE the closing quotation mark. In American English this is almost always the case. There is a unique situation where this wouldn’t apply (having to do with a character quoting someone within their dialogue), but you are unlikely to have to deal with this special case on any kind of a regular basis. This little convention (punctuation always inside the quotation mark) is where American English diverges from British English, where (and don’t quote me on this) it is acceptable for the punctuation to appear outside of the quotation mark.

A quick tip on quotation marks – ‘single quotation marks’ are only used for quotes within quotes (to distinguish inner quotes from the outer. They are not for “less significant” quotes (or to indicate “air quotes”). For example: I guess you could say I’ve had my share of ‘lesbian’ encounters over the years, but I still consider myself just bi-curious. Here, ‘lesbian’ should be in double quotes (“lesbian”).

Another thing I’d like to mention is that tempting little bugger known as…the ellipsis. It is very easy to overuse this handy bit of punctuation, which can become a distraction to some readers (i.e. me!). It’s good for indicating hesitation, or a stammer, “I…um…think your…ah…tits are really nice, Mom.” It’s also used for when a character trails off, leaving a thought unfinished, “I never knew your nipples were so…” These should be about the only two places you use an ellipsis in your fiction writing. In other types of writing, it is used to indicate an omission from a quote or piece of quoted text, but that is rarely something you’ll need to do when writing porn. Note that the ellipsis is THREE dots, never more, never less. THREE! Always THREE, only THREE, forever THREE! I think you……get the idea. There is also NO space before or after an ellipsis.

Now, there are cases where an ellipsis can be immediately followed by another punctuation mark (most commonly with questions). “Do you want me to suck your…?” For my fiction writing, however, I never use commas or periods after an ellipsis. “Yes, suck my…,” she whispered, unsure if she could say such a dirty word aloud in front of her mother. This is more of a style thing than a hard and fast grammar rule, so it technically wouldn’t be incorrect to punctuate the previous sentence as it is. But, to me, the ellipsis indicates a pause, and the comma indicates a pause (or separation), so the comma in this situation feels redundant and unnecessary to me. “Yes, suck my…” she whispered. This just looks and feels better to me. There is also a case when using a period after an ellipsis when the end of a quote is omitted (which makes the ellipsis look like it’s composed of four dots), but, again, not a situation you’re likely to run into when writing fiction. So, THREE dots, no spaces before and after, and probably no punctuation immediately following.

Oh, and don’t use an ellipsis for when you want to show someone is being interrupted. Use a dash for this. A dash indicates an abrupt end at the end of a line of dialogue (rather than a trailing off).

The last thing I want to touch on is Direct Addresses. “Lick my clit, Mom!” In this line of dialogue, the direct address is Mom. Always set off your direct addresses with a comma. “Mom, lick my clit,” my daughter begged. “Suck my balls, Dad,” Timmy groaned. “Eat my ass, baby brother!” she cried out. “What I really want, Auntie Rachael, is for you to fuck me with that 12-inch strap-on cock of yours.” This brings up another tricky point – when to capitalize mom and dad. If mom or dad is being used like a proper noun (in other words, you could replace mom with mom’s name and the sentence would still make sense), then capitalize. “Let’s DP Mom tonight!” would also work if you used her name, “Let’s DP Marjorie tonight!” But, “Let’s DP your mom tonight!” wouldn’t necessarily work if you swapped in her name, “Let’s DP your Marjorie tonight!” so you’d use lower case. A good clue is if there’s a possessive preceding the pronoun, don’t capitalize it. My uncle, your dad, our mother, his sister, etc. Also, if it’s being used to refer to a class of people generally, no capital. “I wonder how many moms own vibrators.” These rules get a little confusing when it comes to terms of endearment. “Pound my ass, baby!” Suck my nipples, sweetheart.” “Swallow my cum, slut.” “Choke on my cock, dear.” Yes, all of these terms of endearment can be replaced with the subject’s proper name, but they nonetheless don’t get capitalized.

Okay, the more I write, the more stuff I think of that I want to warn you about, but I have to stop before I end up with a book. Just remember, I’m not an accredited expert when it comes to grammar, so it’s possible I’ve gotten something wrong, or perhaps you disagree with something I’ve written here. The thing to keep in mind is that there are hard and fast grammar rules, and then there are looser style guidelines. Often style conventions are treated like rules, and it can be difficult to suss out which are which. Hopefully the few tips I’ve provided here have given some of you a clearer idea of how to format your dialogue punctuation-wise (which will save me some valuable editing time!). Just remember to not worry about this kind of stuff while you’re working on your first draft. Get all the creative stuff out of your head and onto the page, then later you can put on your editor cap and deal with all the persnickety rules and technicalities. Not being able to “write good” is no excuse for not giving erotica/porn a try. Sharing your perverse visions with the world is a very rewarding endeavor even if you don’t know a comma splice from your arsehole. Just do it! and everything will just kind of find a way to work itself out. Beleeb me (as our Dear Leader would say).

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Fake It Til You Make It

“One of the reasons I wanted us to have this mother-son lunch with just the two of us is that there’s something that we need to talk about, Jacob. A friend of mine sent me a picture the other day that was shocking, to say the least.”

“Um, okay…”

“It was a picture of me from when we were on vacation down in the Bahamas. Remember that trip?”

“Yeah…”

“Anyway, I had on that red bikini. You know, the one I bought special for that trip only to find out the top was too big and I kept almost spilling out of it. Remember?”

“I guess…a little…”

“Anyway, someone had photoshopped that picture so that my top was gone and there was something on my face. Something messy and very nasty.”

“That’s weird…”

“I thought the same thing. Especially after I realized that picture was only in our album from that trip. I never put it on Facebook or anything. I was confused until I also realized that the only one in the house that is any good with Photoshop is you.”

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“Jacob, you can be honest with me. Was it you who changed that picture to make it look like I was topless and had sperm all over my face?”

“No…and why are we even talking about this here?”

“Worried someone might overhear? That would be humiliating wouldn’t it? Now try imagining you were a respected member of the community and a mother whose picture was on the internet. Imagine if that picture made it look like you were showing off your naked tits and had someone’s cum all over your face? And suppose people you know, friends and co-workers, saw that picture.”

“I…I don’t know…”

“If you want me to believe it wasn’t you, then tell me who could it have been?”

“It…um…geez. Alright, it was me. I’m so sorry.”

“What were you thinking?”

“I don’t know. Nothing. I just…I just thought you looked real pretty in that picture.”

“And you thought I’d look even prettier with my boobs out and a big load of jizz on my face?”

“Well…kinda. I don’t know. Yeah, I guess it was something like that.”

“Thank you for at least being honest with me. If I’m being honest, I suppose I should admit that seeing what you did with that picture turned me on a little. I thought about how much time you must have spent working on it and how you must have been thinking about me in that way. Not that I condone what you did, but I’ll admit it was exciting for me to imagine you looking at the picture you made and touching yourself. You did that, didn’t you? Masturbate to the image of your mother with cum on her face dripping down on bare nipples…”

“Maybe, yeah, a little.”

“More than a little, I suspect, given that I’ve been playing with myself more than ever since Danny’s mom emailed me that filthy picture. If it can make me that horny, I would find it hard to believe you weren’t beating off like crazy over it. Am I right?”

“Pretty much. I’m sorry…”

“All the sorrys in the world won’t change what you did. It was very disrespectful and embarrassing. That being said, it may also present an opportunity.”

“What kind of opportunity?”

“An opportunity to be more open with each other.”

“Open?”

“About the way we feel. About how we see each other. More open about the things we want.”

“Like what?”

“Like…when you made that picture, whose cum did you imagine it was? Yours?”

“Yeah, right…”

“Don’t think I’m going to let you get away with laughing this off. I’m right, aren’t I? You’ve been masturbating to that picture of me and thinking about how much you’d like to jerk off onto my face. And don’t think I’m going to accept that shrug as an acceptable answer.”

“It’s just that the guys are always talking about how hot and sexy you are and saying all the things they’d want to do with you. At first it made me really mad when they said stuff like that about you, but then one day you were wearing those blue shorts, the ones that are really short and a tight on you. I saw your legs and…other stuff that made me get what they were talking about. I didn’t realize how sexy you were as a woman because I only thought about you as my mom. But…”

“But once you noticed me as a woman it was all you could see.”

“I’m sorry. I hate myself for thinking about you like that, but I can’t help it.”

“Don’t be upset with yourself, honey. Let’s just blame it on hormones and leave it at that. I suppose I have to take some of the blame. I hadn’t considered what affect wearing my shorty-shorts around a growing young boy might have. Now I understand why you’ve been suddenly leaving the room lately whenever I’m around. You don’t want me to see that you have been getting hard-ons while watching me.”

“Uh…yeah. I’m so – nevermind. I can’t help it and I feel like a lowlife pervert but I also really like it. You must think I’m the weirdest kid ever.”

“Not at all, darling. Actually, I’m strangely flattered. I shouldn’t be telling you that, but I like the idea that at my age I can still give a teenaged boy an erection.”

“Even if it’s your son?”

“Especially if it’s my son. It’s easy for your buddies to think of me in a sexual way, but for you to look past the fact that I’m your mom and still get horny over seeing my ass in a tight pair of shorts or my tits practically falling out of my bathing suit is a nice compliment. It probably isn’t normal for a mother to feel this way, but I find it very arousing that you think of me like that when you stroke your cock.”

“I…I…um…”

“Look how red your cheeks are getting. Damn, you are so fucking cute. You’re probably going to jerk off later thinking about the things I’ve been saying. Is your penis hard right now?”

“Really hard.”

“Don’t worry, no one can see. Just keep your napkin in your lap. The truth is, I’m pretty wet myself right now. If you don’t know, a girl’s vagina gets wet when she’s excited the way a boy’s cock gets hard when he’s turned on. If I don’t give my pussy some attention soon I’m going to soak this chair.”

“Mom!”

“Don’t get mad at me. You’re the one who started this.”

“I know, but…geesh…”

“You’re right, having this talk in public was probably a bad idea after all. What do you say we go home and make a real picture?”

“What are you talking about?”

“How about we go home and I take off my shirt and bra. Then I’ll lie on the floor and you can take your cock out. I’ll let you stroke it and you can shoot your load on my face just like you’ve been fantasizing about. No need for Photoshop when we have everything we need to make it real.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Meet me in the family room with your camera if you want to find out…”

~ ~ ~

“Whoa! Mom…”

“What is it, Jacob?”

“I…I didn’t know you were going to be all naked.”

“I see you brought your camera.”

“Uh…yeah…”

“Would you prefer me to do this more Playboy…or Penthouse?”

“What do you mean Penthouse?”

“I can pose sexy-modest like this. Or I can spread my legs wide open…like this.”

“Um, okay…Penthouse. Definitely more Penthouse!”

“Don’t just stand there gawking at me, go ahead and take some pictures before I come to my senses.”

“Holy crap, Mom…I can’t believe you’re letting me see you like this. Yeah, squeeze your boobs together like that more. Perfect…”

“I can’t really believe it myself. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Maybe it has something to do with your father losing interest lately. We haven’t had sex in months. I can’t even remember the last time he went down on me.”

“Went down on you?”

“You know, given me head. Don’t tell me you haven’t heard about this kind of stuff yet. I’m talking about oral sex, you know – when a guy licks a woman’s pussy, or a woman sucks a boy’s cock.”

“Oh, yeah, I know about blowjobs. I just didn’t know it was called something else when you did it on a girl.”

“So, you’ve never gone down on a girl?”

“Yeah, right, Mom. I’ve never even touched a boob yet.”

“What do you say we fix that right now? You can touch mine if you want.”

“You sure…?

“What’s the matter? You don’t like my boobs, sweetheart? How about if I jiggle them around a little, like this? Does that help?”

“Whoa…yeah…I mean, no! I don’t know. I mean…you’re my mom.”

“And you’re my son. And it looks like my son has a big hard-on in his pants for Mommy. Why are you still dressed, Jacob? C’mon and get naked with me.”

“I can’t lie, Mom…I’ve fantasized about this…a lot. But…”

“But not that it’s happening, you’re scared.”

“A little, but it’s not that. It’s one thing knowing that I think dirty things about you when I jerk off. It’s just that I never thought that you would be like this, too.”

“It must be strange to find out your mother is an even bigger pervert than you are. Is that it? You’re a little freaked out by how much I want to see your hard cock and watch you jack off all over my face. You’ve dreamed about me spreading my pussy lips open for you just like this. You were always safe in your fantasies because you thought I would never do something so depraved. You never thought your own sweet mother would be your willing cum slut.”

“Yeah…something like that, I guess.”

“What you need to do, little boy, is stop thinking with your head and start thinking with your cock. It knows what it wants. It wants to slide up in between Mommy’s big, soft tits. It wants to feel my tongue running all along it. Your cock wants to be in my mouth as deep as it can go. And you want your picture. Your real cum on your mom’s real face. We both want it.”

“Okay, but this all still feels really weird.”

“I know, isn’t it exciting? That’s right, get those pants down…your underwear, too. Ahh, there it is. My son’s cock. So hard. So fucking hard for me.”

“I…uh, I’m sorry it’s not bigger.”

“Trust me, darling, you have nothing to be sorry about. Your cock looks perfect to me. So much more handsome than your father’s…and so much harder. I love the way it curves up toward the end. That’s going to hit the spot just perfectly.”

“What spot?”

“Don’t worry about that now. Why don’t you show me how you like to stroke it? Mmmm…nice. Not too fast, sweetie. We don’t want you making a mess all over the carpet. We want that mess right here on my smiling face.”

“God, Mom, I can’t believe how sexy you look…‘down there.’”

“Down there? Oh, you mean my cunt?”

“Aaahhhh…”

“What’s the matter? You don’t like that word? Or is it that you don’t like hearing your mother talking about her wet, horny pussy like that?”

“No…I, I like it. It’s only that it always sounds like a swear word when anyone else says it. When you say it…it sounds beautiful.”

“Well, have you ever seen anything more beautiful than your Mommy’s juicy cunt?”

“Never…”

“Would you like to give it a lick?”

“You mean, like, go down on you?”

“Sure, why not? How about this, if you suck Mommy’s cunt, I’ll suck your cock.”

“Deal!”

~ ~ ~

“Mom, are…are you okay?”

“Mmmm…what? Oh…yes. I’m sorry, honey. It’s just that it’s been so long since I’ve had an orgasm like that. When I asked you to lick me, I just thought it would feel nice…I didn’t realize you’d be such a natural at eating pussy. I hope I didn’t frighten you.”

“I thought I was hurting you at first when you started screaming like that, but then I could tell that you wanted me to keep going.”

“You know what this means, don’t you? From now on, whenever your father isn’t home, you have an open invitation to lick Mommy’s pussy whenever you want.”

“Wow…that would be cool.”

“So then you like sucking and licking Mommy’s cunt?”

“Uh huh. It was confusing at first, but then it started to make sense. I was afraid about the taste, but I like…a lot.”

“Speaking of tastes, how would you like to let me suck that handsome cock of yours?”

“Sure!”

“Then get up her and fuck my mouth, you horny little man.”

“Oh…shit, Mom…that’s…that’s so much better than my hand…oooohh…”

“Mmmm…if you think this is good, just wait until I let you put it in my pussy.”

“Are we really going to, you know…do that?”

“Fuck? I don’t see why not. If we can suck each other off, then there’s no reason we can’t take it all the way. Are you okay with that?”

“Um…sure. I know I’m probably supposed to say no, because of you being my own mother, but I can’t think of a reason not to do it except that Dad would kill me if he found out.”

“Then we better make sure he doesn’t find out. Make sure you let me know when you’re about to cum so you can shoot it on my face. I don’t want to screw this up and swallow it all.”

“You would really do that. Mom? Swallow my cum?”

“Of course, sweetie. I love you and can’t wait to gobble down everything that comes out of those sexy balls. Besides, now that I know what a good pussy eater you are, I owe you the best first blowjob of your life.”

“Oh…God, Mom. That feels incredible! How do you get it all the way down your throat like that without choking?”

“Practice, baby. Lots and lots of practice.”

“Oh, yeah. I can feel your tongue moving. Mmm, right there. Oh, God! I’m going to cum. I’m cumming!”

“There you go, sweetie. All over Mommy’s face. Don’t hold back. Just like you dreamed about. Give me all that nasty cream, baby. Make me your cum slut. There you go…”

“You look so much better than the fake I made!”

“Hurry up and get some pictures before it all drips off…or I lick it all up.”

“Yeah, okay. Hold it. Turn this way a little. Good. Wait…just like that. Awesome, Mom!”

“Oh, my. I can taste it on my lips. My baby boy’s cum…I never thought I would ever…mmm, so good.”

“That was the sexiest thing ever!”

“You’re not going to put those pictures on the internet now, are you?”

“Um…no? I guess not, if you don’t want me to.”

“I’d rather you didn’t, sweetheart. But, I’ll tell you what, how about if I let you show them to a few of your good friends?”

“Seriously? They’ll go crazy when they see you like this for real.”

“You know, you haven’t had them all over for a while. How about you invite them for a sleep over this weekend. You father will be away on that fishing trip. It’ll just be you, me, and a few of your horny friends.”

“What are you saying, Mom?”

“What I’m saying is that maybe your little buddies would like to jerk off to the real thing for a change instead of whacking it to pictures all the time.”

“And would you give them all blowjobs, too?”

“Only if you want me to. Would you like that? Watching me suck off all your friends while you watch?”

“You said you’d be my cum slut, right?”

“My, my. I had no idea I was raising such a little pervert. How about you shove that lovely cock in my pussy and we’ll discuss what to do about your friends after you’ve had your first fuck.”

“Sounds good to me, Mom!”

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Progress Report (and a little Consolation Prize)

First off, thanks for all the well-wishes and get-better-soons! Knowing that there are so many concerned perverts out there rooting for me to heal up is bound to speed my recovery. Speaking of which…

I am doing better – more mentally that physically at this point, but I’ll take what I can get. My creative juices were flowing at an all-time low ebb while I was in the hospital and during the week or so after I first got home, but my dirty little mind is slowly beginning to return to its old tricks. The past couple mornings I woke up with filthy story ideas bouncing around in my head, which hasn’t been happening as much lately as it normally does. I’ve also been feeling the itch to sit down and get some nasty writing done.

While I haven’t actually managed to produce anything I can share with you yet, I feel guilty enough about my lack of output that I’ve decided to do something that I don’t like to do. I have a first chapter of a mother/son thing that I wrote about 6 months ago. I haven’t managed to get any further than this, but I’m going to go ahead and post it just for the sake of offering something new. Maybe your feedback will either inspire me to work on more chapters, or convince me to abandon this story line for something more appealing.

Thanks, as always, for being patient with me during this lull. The good news is that I have several stories by other writers waiting in the wings for posting. I’m going to make an effort to get as many of those edited and published over the next week or so in hopes of giving all the idle hands out there something devilish to keep them busy!

Big Hugz

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Intensive Care

My pronounced lack of activity lately is due to an unfortunate series of events that began on Memorial Day when I was forced to visit the Emergency Room. Ugh! This led to a hospital admission and ultimately minor surgery on my foot. I don’t want to go into detail, but it’s nothing all that critical, however it has pretty much side-lined me more than I would like. I ended up spending most of last week in the hospital, and now I’m hobbling around at home unable to take a shower or focus on doing anything more mentally taxing than watching TV. So, basically, my life sucks right now!

I just wanted to post this quick note to let everyone know why I haven’t been able to do any updates lately, and that I may be out of it for a bit longer. Hopefully, as my recovery progresses, I’ll be on fewer mind-numbing meds and regain some of my mental acuity. I’m sorry for the lapse, but I promise that I’ll get back into the swing of things as soon as I’m able.

What a great way to start the summer! Grrr…