Auntie Fap

Lately, whenever my sister-in-law Angela and I got together for coffee or a trip to the mall she would complain about the trials of having to deal with a teenage boy. She’d complain about finding cum-stained bed sheets and crusty socks when she’d do laundry. Or how she could sometimes hear the wet slap-slap-slap sound of him beating off in the shower. And she even told me about the time he came home early from a night at the movies and caught her bent over the sofa while his father (my brother) was fucking her hard from behind.

My sister-in-law was mortified, but I kept pressing for more details. The thought of my cute nephew seeing his mom getting pounded by my brother was more exciting to me than it should have been. I should have been as horrified by the incident as she was. Instead I couldn’t help wondering if he got a hard-on on the spot, and if he thought about seeing his parents fucking when he jacked off later (which I was sure he had). After that, I found myself hinting around for more dirty stories involving my nephew any time we were together, even if it was only something as harmless as when she found a Victoria Secret catalog under his mattress with some of the pages stuck together. The day she told me about that, I dropped my pants as soon as I got home and fingered myself to thoughts of my nephew Scotty whacking off and shooting spurt after spurt of warm, spermy jizz onto those slutty models.

I hoped I wasn’t too obvious when I jumped to offer help when Angela’s schedule at work had to change while someone else was on vacation for two weeks. She was usually there when her son got home from school. Angela worried that he’d get into trouble if left alone, and she wouldn’t have time to get dinner ready before Rick got home from work. I told her I could hang out at her place to keep an eye on Scotty, and to get dinner started so my brother wouldn’t have anything to whine about. She thanked me a dozen times, calling me an angel…if she only knew my real reasons for wanting to help out.

The first few days of my “housesitting” gig were a little awkward. I wasn’t sure if Scotty noticed I was wearing tops that were tighter than I normally wore. I was used to getting a lot of lustful stares from men due to my big boobs, but if my nephew was checking out my juicy jugs, he was good at being sneaky about it. On the third day, Scotty took my suggestion that he should take a shower after he came in from shooting hoops. I silently lurked outside the bathroom like a total creep listening. I wasn’t disappointed and soon heard that wet slap-slap-slap of his soapy balls smacking against his fist as he jerked himself like a sex-starved bunny in the shower. I rubbed my pussy through my jeans and nearly came on the spot. I wanted to be disgusted with myself, but I was too busy thinking up ways that I could see what I was hearing.

I had a perfectly attentive husband of my own at home, with a more than serviceable cock. He would have been happy to jerk off for me at a moment’s notice, and it didn’t take more than a flirty look to prompt him to push me down and bang me breathless. It made no sense that I was so obsessed with my young (too young) nephew and his (most likely) inexperienced dick. The next afternoon I found myself snooping through his room looking for hidden stashes of porn or tell-tale signs of cum. No porn, but I did find a few cum stains (on his pillow case), and a crusty, sweet-smelling sock tucked in his nightstand drawer.

Also in that drawer, I found a pair of my sister-in-law’s panties. Odd…how did Angela’s panties wind up there? Dirty ones at that. Then I noticed there were some crusty spots on those as well. Crusty spots that smelled the same as the ones on the sock Scotty was using as a jizz rag. Realizing what kind of perversion I’d stumbled upon, I immediately pulled my pants down, intent on finger fucking myself right there on my nephew’s bed. I briefly worried about leaving a wet spot, then decided I didn’t care. I was so fucking horny I’d lost all good sense. That’s when I heard the porch door slam and I knew Scotty was home. I still had enough sense left to pull my pants back up and pretend like I was gathering laundry from his hamper.

“Oh, hey, Aunt Dee…”

Could he tell how flustered I was? See the blush that was starting to make me sweat? Would he notice his hidden treasures has been moved and figure out I’d been prying? My mind was in a spin. I had the irrational fear that he would be able to see my clit pulsing through my pants.

“Just doing a load…of laundry! A load of laundry.” Calm the fuck down. “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was so late. I’ll get out of your way so you can…do whatever it is you want to do…y’know…”

“You okay, Aunt Dee? You seem a little…” He checked out my boobs. I definitely saw him checking out my boobs!

“No, it’s nothing.” I gathered some foul-smelling items from his hamper, dropping more than I gathered. “I just know what kids your age like to do as soon as they get home from school, so I’ll let you get to it…um…yeah…”

“What are you talking about?” He chuckled and dropped his book bag with a heavy thud. I noticed how he just happened to place the bag to block the drawer that currently held his mother’s dirty panties.

“It’s just, well, I know what I did right when I got home from school every day. I can’t imagine kids have changed all that much since I was a teenager. So I’ll leave you alone. I’m sure you don’t want your old auntie hanging around while you…while you jerk off.”

My stomach lurched and my heart dropped. They met somewhere in the middle and the world ceased to be real. I was in a dream. This HAD to be a dream. There was no fucking way on God’s green earth that I just said that to my nephew.

“I…” he started, wide-eyed, his face turning as red as mine must have been.

“Sorry! Forget I said that! Just do…whatever…don’t pay any attention to me!”

“But, wait…that’s what you did every day when you got home from school?”

Should I lie? Run out of the room? Say he heard me wrong? Or just try to ignore the bulge that was starting to grow in his shorts…?

“Um…well, we all do it…did it…when we were young and…y’know…horny.”

“Ha, I never thought about you being horny before, Aunt Dee. You must have been real horny to do it every day after school. Even I skip a day sometimes just to…well, whatever…”

“Right. Okay, sorry, I’ll, uh…be somewhere else now…” For some reason I couldn’t remember which direction the door was! “Unless…you do…um, want me to stay.” I almost screamed when I heard myself suggest that.

“Stay? Like, you mean…while I…?”

“Jerk off. Yes.” My whole body was shaking. I’d lost control. My mouth was taking the lead, saying all the insanely filthy things I was thinking. And I wasn’t even drunk! “I’m guessing you’re pretty proud of your…thing…your, um, cock. I know boys your age like to show it off. At least…” Shut up! What was I doing? “At least you father did…like to show it off, I mean. He used to pay me two dollars to watch him jack off when we were younger.” Why was I telling my nephew this! I’d never told anyone about that in my entire life. Why couldn’t I stop talking?

“I don’t have two dollars,” he said dejectedly. “I could…” he looked around his room as if some money might magically appear. “I could owe you.”

“No, Scotty, I’m not asking you to pay me.” Is he really considering this? Too good to be true. “If you let me watch you play with your cock, I wouldn’t expect anything from you. Just…that it would just be our secret. We wouldn’t want your parents to know what horny perverts we are, would we?”

“No…” his eye flicked to the drawer where his mom’s dirty panties were hidden. Did he suspect I already knew? He licked his lips and shifted nervously. “Should…should I get naked?”

“Hell, yes! Get as naked as you want, but I’m going to have to keep my clothes on, just in case your mom comes home early. We can’t both be trying to get dressed before she catches us.”

“Okay, yeah, good idea.” He quickly fought his way out of his shirt and began working on his belt and pants. It was adorable how much his hands were shaking and he rushed to shuck off his clothes. I realized that I might be the first female other than his mother to see him naked. I was delighted when I saw that his cock was almost fully erect when it popped out of his underpants. I let out a little squeal. There was no way he couldn’t see that my clit was practically pounding a hole right through my panties!

“Oh, Scotty, I…thank you. I’m so horny right now I can’t even tell you.” I took a deep breath. “Let’s lie down on the bed, relax, and you just do what you would normally do…y’know, when you masturbate.”

It took a few awkward seconds for us to coordinate ourselves and get arranged comfortably on his bed. I noticed his breathing was quick and shallow, as was mine. I shouldn’t be doing this. I really shouldn’t be doing this. I seriously shouldn’t be doing any of this! My mind struggled, but my body wasn’t giving any ground. Now that I’d seen his cock in the flesh, there was no way I wasn’t going to go through with what I’d started. I needed to see my nephew cum like I’d never needed anything in my life. I was horrible and I knew it.

“So…just, like…”

“Pretend like I’m not even here. Stroke your cock, play with your balls, pinch your nipples, whatever it is you do when you’re horny.”

Scotty nodded, and gave a nervous laugh. I’m sure this was as surreal for him as it was for me. “O…okay. Here goes…” He gripped his nice, long shaft and began stroking slowly, as if he was half expecting me to scold him for being a dirty boy and slap his hand away from his cock. This, of course, was about the furthest thing from my mind right then.

My eyes were fixed on his cockhead. I wanted it in my mouth. I wanted to rub it on my bare nipples, made slippery by his pre-cum. I wanted to feel it between my pussy lips pushing open my vagina. I couldn’t stop smiling. Nor could I remember the last time I was so happy.

“Did you see any hot girls at school today? Is that why you’re so horny?”

“Mmm hmm, Jessica Lee.”

“And you want to fuck her?”

“Oh, yeah…she has the cutest ass ever…”

“What would you say to her if she was here right now?”

“Oooh, Jessica…I want to fuck you…” His hand began moving faster. This made my pussy clench, but I was afraid he would finish too quickly.

“What if she pulled up her skirt and she had no panties on? She turns around, bends over, and spreads her cute little ass cheeks. You can see everything. What would you do?”

“I…I would…I’m sorry, Aunt Dee, but I would stick my face in there and…”

I tried not to laugh at how embarrassed he was to say what he was thinking out loud in front of me while he was openly jacking his cock as I watched.

“And…lick her pussy?” I offered.

“Yeah…lick her…pussy,” he groaned.

“And shove your tongue in her asshole?”

“What!?”

I had to laugh. Maybe I’d let myself go too far. “Didn’t know your Auntie had such a dirty mind, did you?”

“No…but it’s hot…keep going!”

“Jessica starts moaning like crazy when you suck her pretty little asshole. Your cock is harder than ever before. Then she says the words you’ve been dying to hear…”

“What? What does she say, Aunt Dee?”

I lean close to his ear and whisper, “Fuck me.” I reach down and tickle my nephew’s bouncing balls. He jumps at first, then relaxes and opens his legs wide enough for me to cup them in my hands and gently massage him. “She spreads herself for you and shows you her horny cunt hole. She wants your cock, Scotty. Jessica wants you to fuck her. What are you going to do?”

“I…I’m going to shove it in her!”

“Shove what in her what?”

I’m…I’m going to shove my cock in her pussy!”

“In her cunt?”

“Yes! I’m going to fuck her cunt! I’m going to fuck Jessica’s cunt!” His hips jerked up off the mattress and thick lines of white boy jizz jetted from his cock. I found myself squealing again, and clapping, as I watched spurt after spurt arc from the tip of his dick and stripe his chest and belly with pearly cum.

Scotty writhed and moaned as he milked his cock. I realized I was holding my breath, but found I couldn’t do anything about it. All I needed to live was to see my nephew making himself orgasm. He pumped his cock up into his fist, clearly pretending that he was fucking his little girlfriend in his imagination.

“That’s it, fuck her,” I whispered. “Fuck that slutty little cunt of hers. She loves it. She loves getting fucked by your big, hard cock.”

Scotty groaned and collapsed down onto his bed. His whole body seemed to vibrate next to me. I was surprised to find that my eyes were filling up with tears. I felt so privileged that he shared that with me that I was on the verge of crying like a sentimental fool. I’d seen guys jerk off before, but it was never like this. I loved my sweet nephew more than ever before. No matter what, we would always have this special moment that was just ours. I pulled his head toward me and kissed him on the temple.

“That was so sexy,” I told him. I tried to resist my next impulse, but failed. I leaned over and licked the bit of cum that had fallen across his nipple. This lead to another lick, and another. Somewhere in my head a voice was telling me to stop, but I couldn’t. I had no choice.

“Okay, you had your fun,” I said as I yanked open my pants. “Now it’s my turn.”

I let Scotty pull off my sweater and undo my bra and I kicked off my jeans and yanked down my panties. At first he watched with awed silence as I masturbated myself in a mad frenzy. My fingers were everywhere, clit, asshole, nipples, vagina. “Play with my tits, Scotty! Play with your Aunt Dee’s big fucking titties!”

He jumped at his chance and grabbed my flailing boobs with both hands. His fingers poked into my soft flesh. It hurt, but in a good way. I loved that he’d been dreaming about touching breasts probably for years, and now that he had a real pair he didn’t quite know what to do with them. So damned cute!

“That was so hot, Scotty. I’m sorry, but you made me so horny that I have to cum. Watch me cum, Scotty, watch me make my cunt cum!”

He latched onto one of my nipples with his mouth. I heard someone scream in delight, then realized it was me. It was like I was a kid again, and this was my first time. The magic of youthful discover was there just like the first time I’d been with a boy. Only this time the boy was my sister’s kid! “Yes, Scotty! Suck that big fat titty! Make me cum!”

I was losing my mind. I’d had sex with my husband the night before, but it felt like it had been months. Every part of my body was alive and begging to be touched. Even if my sister had walked into the room right at that moment I wouldn’t have been able to stop. Oh God, what had I gotten myself into?

“Am I doing it right, Aunt Dee?”

“Huh?”

“Is this how it’s supposed to go?”

Only then did I realize Scotty was inside me. My nephew had gotten on top of me and had his cock in my pussy. My instinct was to push him off, but as my pussy clenched tight around his erection I knew I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“Yes! Yes, Scotty, you’ve got it. Fuck me! Fuck my pussy!”

“This feels amazing, Aunt Dee! It’s better than anything!”

“Oh, God, fuck me! Fuck my cunt! Fuck my cunt has hard as you can!”

My nephew responded by pumping into me faster.

“Harder,” I insisted, lifting up to meet his thrusts. “Fuck me harder!”

He wasn’t sure at first, but he tried to give me what I was begging for.

“Yes! That’s it! As hard as you can!”

His fear of hurting me slowly dissipated as he rammed his cock into my cunt with increasing force. He had yet to learn a woman’s vagina wasn’t the delicate little flower it appeared to be.

“Like this!” he demanded through gritted teeth. “You want me to fuck you like this?”

Our flesh was slapping together loudly, my legs were in the air, the angle was perfect, his cock was perfect, and he was fucking me like a bat out of hell. Fucking perfect!

My cries could have been heard from downstairs, probably from outside, and maybe even from the neighbors’ houses. It didn’t matter. Even the thought that I could go to jail for this didn’t make me consider stopping – not even for a second. I was going to cum on my nephew’s stiff, young cock no matter what.

“I’m going to cum,” Scotty warned with heavy breaths.

“Go ahead, baby! Fill your auntie’s cunt! Cum in Aunt Dee’s slutty, fucking cunt! Give it to me! I want it all!”

Scotty whimpered and slammed into me as hard as he could. The disturbing reality that my own flesh and blood, my brother’s son, my very own nephew was shooting a load of potent cum deep into my cunt set me off like nothing else ever had in my entire life. I was about to have the mother of all orgasms…or was it the auntie of all orgasms?

As loud as I was screaming before, the intensity was doubled. There was a whoosh of pleasure that rushed up from deep in my groin and raced through my body directly into my brain. I could easily have blacked out if I hadn’t been holding onto consciousness so tightly, not wanting to miss a single moment of this experience. I’d been fucked plenty of times by more than a few men, but it had never been like this. The combination of lust and sin and forbidden pleasure was beyond anything I could have imagined.

I hated myself for what I was doing, but at the same time…I knew I was going to do it again…

and again…

But, just to make sure, before I went home later that evening, I made sure to leave my pussy-soaked panties behind under Scotty’s pillow so he could compare my dirty undies to his mom’s. I had a pretty good feeling who was going to win that contest.

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Wanton Potatoes: Movie Reviews for Perverts

I don’t know a lot about movies, but I consider myself fairly well-versed when it cums to perversion. This gave me the idea that perhaps I could exploit both my ignorance and expertise in an occasional movie review feature here at the blog designed to evaluate movies with a special focus on nudity, kinky situations, and all things sexual.

I have to imagine others have been doing the same thing for years, so I’m not under any delusions that I’ve come up with a wholly original concept here, but I figure as long as I’m watching these lousy movies in hopes of seeing some naughty stuff, that I could do you a favor and either warn you away or let you know if it’s worth checking out (oh, and whether you should be watching with or without pants on).

I haven’t done a lot of planning in terms of how I’m going to format these reviews, so we’ll just jump into it and see if it evolves into something viable, or goes extinct due to some very unintelligent design.

Below is a sample of what I’m looking at doing. Let me know what you think (or don’t think)!

Baywatch (2017)
Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Zac “The Twink” Efron, and hot girls.
Rating: R
Format: DVD

The latest exhibit entered into evidence in the ongoing case of “Has Hollywood Run Out of Original Ideas?” is another remake of an iconic TV show from the ‘90s. Full disclaimer, I never watched the show, but I feel I know everything I need to know about it: 1) Pamela Anderson, 2) David Hasselhoff, and 3) Boobs bouncing in slow motion as sexy women run.
Did I miss anything?

The movie pits Lt. Mitch Buchanan (The Rock) and the lifeguard crew of Emerald Bay, along with a few untested new trainees, against Victoria Leeds, an evil drug-dealing hotelieress out to privatize the beach through shady land deals and several high profile murders. Matt Brodie (Zac), an Olympic swimmer who earned 2 individual medals, but failed when it came to doing his part to help win any team medals, has been sentenced to the Baywatch crew as community service. Will he be able to put aside his selfish tendencies and learn to work as part of a team before the 3rd act climax? I think you already know the answer to that. (BTW, I don’t know (and/or don’t care) where spoiler alerts are supposed go, so you’ll just have to read these reviews at your own risk!)

I rented this one in hopes of finding some decent campy comedy (and lots of bouncing boobies). The film only mildly delivered on both counts. I got a few smiles out of it, but no LOLs that I can recall. There were at least three, maybe 4, slo-mo bouncing scenes (usually done as throwback gags). They were nice to see, but nothing I would consider as bonerific as the original TV show opener. All of you who were horny, hormonal boys during the ‘90s will have to confirm or contradict me on this.

I’m not the kind of lady to go ga-ga over bodybuilder type muscle men, but The Rock is one such fellow who can make me squirm in my seat when he takes off his shirt. His sweet, funny personality is such a contrast to his hunky body that it just does something for me. I’m more attracted to the gymnast type body – lean, solid muscles, but in proportions that I think I can handle. This is where my little nugget Zac comes in. He provided some tasty eye candy, especially in his American Ninja style try-out scene.

Not to fear, gentleman, there are plenty of female cuties to get your trousers roused as well. There’s a generous helping of cleavage in this movie – both tit cleavage and ass cleavage – to keep you at least at half-mast much of the time. The bad news is, there’s no female nipple action at all. I didn’t even really notice any of the girls rocking a decent pair of pokies! Very disappointing. This movie probably would have been rated PG-13 if it wasn’t for the naked dick scene.

Don’t get excited, the naked dick belonged to a dead guy in the morgue. Tsk, tsk, tsk. It seems about the only way we girls get a dick shot these days is if it belongs to a corpse. It happened in Game of Thrones recently, and also in another movie I saw not too long ago. Not the least bit erotic, and more of a turn off than anything else (especially since you can’t avoid looking at a naked dick, no matter if it’s alive or dead). There was a little bit of cock fun at the expense of the chubby “comic relief” character, who apparently has a huge dick, but we only ever saw hints of it through his swim trunks in a couple quick shots.

The Hoff’s cameo was amusing and tastefully quick. Pamela Anderson’s cameo treated us to a brief oasis of MILF cleavage, but otherwise added nothing of value to the movie. There was no worthwhile nudity (we did get to see the comic relief guy naked from behind in the shower), and no sex scenes at all. This is all the more frustrating since the setting and characters provide so many opportunities for naughty stuff! I suppose the Baywatch copyright holders were eager to preserve the family wholesomeness of the original TV show. With this being the case, I’d liken watching this movie to going to Hooters when what you really want is to go to Scores.

Jerk-Offability: Mid-Low (a few slo-mo bouncing titty scenes)
Diddleworthiness: Upper-Low (shirtless Rock and Zac running around)
Nudity: Very Low (fat guy’s naked butt)
Sex: None (not even any off-screen sex, as far as I could tell!)
Naughtiness: Minimal (a few sexy ass/boob references)
Perversion: Minimal (light homosexual necrophilia)
Watchability: Medium (mindless, but not overly annoying)

Recommendation: Something to watch if you don’t have to spend any money and want to kill an hour and fifty-six minutes (long plane ride?). Keep your pants on – at most, you’ll want to grope yourself a time or two.

My Director’s Cut: The Rock fucks everyone with full intensity…including Zac Efron.

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Might As Well Face It, You’re Addicted To…

I hate to use up a whole post for this random thought I had the other day, but, fuck it, I’m going to anyway…

So, I was once again pondering whether or not I’m addicted to porn as I was dusting and vacuuming like the dutiful little housewife and mom that I am. Then I conducted a quick thought experiment that made me feel a lot better. I’m sure there’s a flaw somewhere in my logic, but I don’t really want to find it!

This is what I came up with: If you took away my porn, I would still masturbate. But, if you took away my ability to masturbate, I wouldn’t still watch porn. So, this proves that I’m not addicted to porn. I’m addicted to masturbating! I don’t mind being a masturbation addict, I just don’t want to be labelled as a porn addict (even though I probably might be).

Either way, it made feel better about myself, and that’s all that matters. I have a lot more to say on this topic, but it’s been at least 10 minutes since I’ve looked at any porn and my fingers are beginning to twitch.

Gotta goooo!

Come and Cum

Slippery Tip #8: Know your cum.

There’s an ongoing debate in porn grammar circles about which is “proper” – come or cum. The short answer is both. The long answer is either. This is one of those style choices I’ve mentioned before, where there’s not hard and fast rule that presides.

Cum is a slang term, not an official word, so some writers dismiss it on these grounds. Come is historically the original term of art, but I’m not going to bore you with the etymology. All that really matters is that for each story you write, you chose one form and stick with it. Consistency is the key to all the best orgasms! (I’m pretty sure I’m paraphrasing Einstein or Aristotle or MacArthur with that statement, but I can’t be bothered to look it up right now).

My preference, as you may have noticed, is to use cum. It feels dirtier to me, and just oozes sex! “I shot my come all over my mother’s face” doesn’t look right to me. Which I find distracting. Which causes my fingers to go still. Which doesn’t make anyone happy!

A good hybrid solution is to use “cum” only in the context of the noun form to represent the physical substance of the ejaculate, and use “come” as the verb for the act of ejaculating. Billy yelled, “I’m coming!” then shot a big wad of cum deep inside his sister’s cunt.

As long as you don’t switch back and forth between different forms, readers won’t much care which one you use if the story is otherwise turning them on. Although, I have one little caveat, which (again) is just my own personal preference. I use cum, cumming, came. I don’t like cummed as the past tense form. It just sounds dumb to me. But, if you want the climax of your sex scene to sound dumb, that’s up to you!

Also, as long as we’re on the subject, keep in mind that cum itself has discrete components. I sometimes see writers mess up the technical details of this – which, again, may not bother most readers, but the closer you can get to being accurate when you describe bodily details in detail, the better. Remember that semen is the whole package, same as cum – all the goo that shoots from the cock at orgasm. The semen contains sperm (those little wiggly fellas). You can get away with calling a guy’s ejaculate sperm (which I’ll sometimes do when it makes thing sound extra dirty), but it’s technically off the mark. Another good thing to note is that the sperm is produced and stored in the testicles, whereas the seminal fluid is produced by various glands scattered throughout the male reproductive system. Just keep this in mind next time you’re describing her “draining his balls” or “sucking his balls dry.” All the nasty ingredients that make up cum are magically brought together in the explosive process of orgasm to produce the delicious concoction that we all love so much.

Oh, and one more thing, a pet peeve of mine…cum isn’t sticky! Not at first. I’ve handled a lot of cum, as I’m sure all of you have, and the last thing you think when you play with a handful of the stuff is that it’s sticky. It’s gooey and gloopy, yes, but not sticky. In fact, it’s the exact opposite! Cum is slippery (which is how my tips got that way in the first place!). The main function of pre-cum is to help lube things up for penetration. One of the key functions of seminal fluid is to lubricate the pathway for those hard-swimming little sperms to get to where they’re going (which more often than not is your belly button). It’s NOT sticky! Now, give that cum a few hours pressed between the pages of a Playboy magazine hidden under a mattress, and that’s a whole different situation.

Bottom line: Decide which form of cum/come works for the story you’re writing and stick with that form throughout. Also, if you’re going to write about sex, it wouldn’t hurt to study up on the human reproductive system (and, guys, some of you need to pay special attention to the “womb” and its role in the normal course of sex and being a woman. Hint: I’ve never felt my womb “clench” upon seeing a sexy man cross my path).

Whew, now I’m in the mood to whip up a nice batch of my very own homemade lady cum. And I suggest the rest of you pull down your pants and do some research yourselves!

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