Wanton Potatoes: Movie Reviews for Perverts

I don’t know a lot about movies, but I consider myself fairly well-versed when it cums to perversion. This gave me the idea that perhaps I could exploit both my ignorance and expertise in an occasional movie review feature here at the blog designed to evaluate movies with a special focus on nudity, kinky situations, and all things sexual.

I have to imagine others have been doing the same thing for years, so I’m not under any delusions that I’ve come up with a wholly original concept here, but I figure as long as I’m watching these lousy movies in hopes of seeing some naughty stuff, that I could do you a favor and either warn you away or let you know if it’s worth checking out (oh, and whether you should be watching with or without pants on).

I haven’t done a lot of planning in terms of how I’m going to format these reviews, so we’ll just jump into it and see if it evolves into something viable, or goes extinct due to some very unintelligent design.

Below is a sample of what I’m looking at doing. Let me know what you think (or don’t think)!

Baywatch (2017)
Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Zac “The Twink” Efron, and hot girls.
Rating: R
Format: DVD

The latest exhibit entered into evidence in the ongoing case of “Has Hollywood Run Out of Original Ideas?” is another remake of an iconic TV show from the ‘90s. Full disclaimer, I never watched the show, but I feel I know everything I need to know about it: 1) Pamela Anderson, 2) David Hasselhoff, and 3) Boobs bouncing in slow motion as sexy women run.
Did I miss anything?

The movie pits Lt. Mitch Buchanan (The Rock) and the lifeguard crew of Emerald Bay, along with a few untested new trainees, against Victoria Leeds, an evil drug-dealing hotelieress out to privatize the beach through shady land deals and several high profile murders. Matt Brodie (Zac), an Olympic swimmer who earned 2 individual medals, but failed when it came to doing his part to help win any team medals, has been sentenced to the Baywatch crew as community service. Will he be able to put aside his selfish tendencies and learn to work as part of a team before the 3rd act climax? I think you already know the answer to that. (BTW, I don’t know (and/or don’t care) where spoiler alerts are supposed go, so you’ll just have to read these reviews at your own risk!)

I rented this one in hopes of finding some decent campy comedy (and lots of bouncing boobies). The film only mildly delivered on both counts. I got a few smiles out of it, but no LOLs that I can recall. There were at least three, maybe 4, slo-mo bouncing scenes (usually done as throwback gags). They were nice to see, but nothing I would consider as bonerific as the original TV show opener. All of you who were horny, hormonal boys during the ‘90s will have to confirm or contradict me on this.

I’m not the kind of lady to go ga-ga over bodybuilder type muscle men, but The Rock is one such fellow who can make me squirm in my seat when he takes off his shirt. His sweet, funny personality is such a contrast to his hunky body that it just does something for me. I’m more attracted to the gymnast type body – lean, solid muscles, but in proportions that I think I can handle. This is where my little nugget Zac comes in. He provided some tasty eye candy, especially in his American Ninja style try-out scene.

Not to fear, gentleman, there are plenty of female cuties to get your trousers roused as well. There’s a generous helping of cleavage in this movie – both tit cleavage and ass cleavage – to keep you at least at half-mast much of the time. The bad news is, there’s no female nipple action at all. I didn’t even really notice any of the girls rocking a decent pair of pokies! Very disappointing. This movie probably would have been rated PG-13 if it wasn’t for the naked dick scene.

Don’t get excited, the naked dick belonged to a dead guy in the morgue. Tsk, tsk, tsk. It seems about the only way we girls get a dick shot these days is if it belongs to a corpse. It happened in Game of Thrones recently, and also in another movie I saw not too long ago. Not the least bit erotic, and more of a turn off than anything else (especially since you can’t avoid looking at a naked dick, no matter if it’s alive or dead). There was a little bit of cock fun at the expense of the chubby “comic relief” character, who apparently has a huge dick, but we only ever saw hints of it through his swim trunks in a couple quick shots.

The Hoff’s cameo was amusing and tastefully quick. Pamela Anderson’s cameo treated us to a brief oasis of MILF cleavage, but otherwise added nothing of value to the movie. There was no worthwhile nudity (we did get to see the comic relief guy naked from behind in the shower), and no sex scenes at all. This is all the more frustrating since the setting and characters provide so many opportunities for naughty stuff! I suppose the Baywatch copyright holders were eager to preserve the family wholesomeness of the original TV show. With this being the case, I’d liken watching this movie to going to Hooters when what you really want is to go to Scores.

Jerk-Offability: Mid-Low (a few slo-mo bouncing titty scenes)
Diddleworthiness: Upper-Low (shirtless Rock and Zac running around)
Nudity: Very Low (fat guy’s naked butt)
Sex: None (not even any off-screen sex, as far as I could tell!)
Naughtiness: Minimal (a few sexy ass/boob references)
Perversion: Minimal (light homosexual necrophilia)
Watchability: Medium (mindless, but not overly annoying)

Recommendation: Something to watch if you don’t have to spend any money and want to kill an hour and fifty-six minutes (long plane ride?). Keep your pants on – at most, you’ll want to grope yourself a time or two.

My Director’s Cut: The Rock fucks everyone with full intensity…including Zac Efron.

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Might As Well Face It, You’re Addicted To…

I hate to use up a whole post for this random thought I had the other day, but, fuck it, I’m going to anyway…

So, I was once again pondering whether or not I’m addicted to porn as I was dusting and vacuuming like the dutiful little housewife and mom that I am. Then I conducted a quick thought experiment that made me feel a lot better. I’m sure there’s a flaw somewhere in my logic, but I don’t really want to find it!

This is what I came up with: If you took away my porn, I would still masturbate. But, if you took away my ability to masturbate, I wouldn’t still watch porn. So, this proves that I’m not addicted to porn. I’m addicted to masturbating! I don’t mind being a masturbation addict, I just don’t want to be labelled as a porn addict (even though I probably might be).

Either way, it made feel better about myself, and that’s all that matters. I have a lot more to say on this topic, but it’s been at least 10 minutes since I’ve looked at any porn and my fingers are beginning to twitch.

Gotta goooo!

Come and Cum

Slippery Tip #8: Know your cum.

There’s an ongoing debate in porn grammar circles about which is “proper” – come or cum. The short answer is both. The long answer is either. This is one of those style choices I’ve mentioned before, where there’s not hard and fast rule that presides.

Cum is a slang term, not an official word, so some writers dismiss it on these grounds. Come is historically the original term of art, but I’m not going to bore you with the etymology. All that really matters is that for each story you write, you chose one form and stick with it. Consistency is the key to all the best orgasms! (I’m pretty sure I’m paraphrasing Einstein or Aristotle or MacArthur with that statement, but I can’t be bothered to look it up right now).

My preference, as you may have noticed, is to use cum. It feels dirtier to me, and just oozes sex! “I shot my come all over my mother’s face” doesn’t look right to me. Which I find distracting. Which causes my fingers to go still. Which doesn’t make anyone happy!

A good hybrid solution is to use “cum” only in the context of the noun form to represent the physical substance of the ejaculate, and use “come” as the verb for the act of ejaculating. Billy yelled, “I’m coming!” then shot a big wad of cum deep inside his sister’s cunt.

As long as you don’t switch back and forth between different forms, readers won’t much care which one you use if the story is otherwise turning them on. Although, I have one little caveat, which (again) is just my own personal preference. I use cum, cumming, came. I don’t like cummed as the past tense form. It just sounds dumb to me. But, if you want the climax of your sex scene to sound dumb, that’s up to you!

Also, as long as we’re on the subject, keep in mind that cum itself has discrete components. I sometimes see writers mess up the technical details of this – which, again, may not bother most readers, but the closer you can get to being accurate when you describe bodily details in detail, the better. Remember that semen is the whole package, same as cum – all the goo that shoots from the cock at orgasm. The semen contains sperm (those little wiggly fellas). You can get away with calling a guy’s ejaculate sperm (which I’ll sometimes do when it makes thing sound extra dirty), but it’s technically off the mark. Another good thing to note is that the sperm is produced and stored in the testicles, whereas the seminal fluid is produced by various glands scattered throughout the male reproductive system. Just keep this in mind next time you’re describing her “draining his balls” or “sucking his balls dry.” All the nasty ingredients that make up cum are magically brought together in the explosive process of orgasm to produce the delicious concoction that we all love so much.

Oh, and one more thing, a pet peeve of mine…cum isn’t sticky! Not at first. I’ve handled a lot of cum, as I’m sure all of you have, and the last thing you think when you play with a handful of the stuff is that it’s sticky. It’s gooey and gloopy, yes, but not sticky. In fact, it’s the exact opposite! Cum is slippery (which is how my tips got that way in the first place!). The main function of pre-cum is to help lube things up for penetration. One of the key functions of seminal fluid is to lubricate the pathway for those hard-swimming little sperms to get to where they’re going (which more often than not is your belly button). It’s NOT sticky! Now, give that cum a few hours pressed between the pages of a Playboy magazine hidden under a mattress, and that’s a whole different situation.

Bottom line: Decide which form of cum/come works for the story you’re writing and stick with that form throughout. Also, if you’re going to write about sex, it wouldn’t hurt to study up on the human reproductive system (and, guys, some of you need to pay special attention to the “womb” and its role in the normal course of sex and being a woman. Hint: I’ve never felt my womb “clench” upon seeing a sexy man cross my path).

Whew, now I’m in the mood to whip up a nice batch of my very own homemade lady cum. And I suggest the rest of you pull down your pants and do some research yourselves!

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Something New Under the Sun

My older brother is such an idiot. All he cares about is girls with big boobs. He’s always making lewd comments about chicks with huge tits when I’m around and doesn’t even care about how it makes me feel. He’s so clueless that he hasn’t even realized that I’ve had a crush on him since I was twelve. I remember how excited I was when I got my first period back then because it meant I had become a woman and I believed that my brother would start seeing me as something other than his stupid kid sister. No matter what I tried, he still barely noticed me, and when he did it was only to tell me to get lost.

When I saw him lying out by the pool, I decided I was done waiting for him to get a clue. Plus, there was no way I was going to start my sophomore year in college still a virgin. I’d saved myself for long enough! I went to my room, took off all my clothes, then went and put on Mom’s sexiest heels, and headed out to the pool. If he didn’t notice me like this, I’d know it was time to give up for good.

He looked over when he heard the clickity-clack of heels approaching. Instead of going back to dozing, he did a double take. I went to the water, bent over, and brushed my hand along the surface. My heart was racing, knowing that my brother had a perfect, sunlit view of my pussy and asshole from behind. I wanted to run back inside and hide like a dumb little kid who’d made a horrible mistake, but I stuck with my plan and moved toward a lounge chair.

“Goin’ skinny dippin’?” my brother asked, his voice raspy.

“Just trying to get a little color on my itty-bitty titties.”

He looked me over, his eyes devouring my naked body for the first time. Sure, I’d flashed him some leg before, and maybe walked around in my panties with an intentional camel-toe, but I’d never let him see everything like this before (even though I fantasized about it almost every night).

“Aww, they’re not that small,” he lied, squinting up at me as I approached.

“You’re the one who’s always making fun of my ‘mosquito bites.’” I pinched both my nipples, forcing them to full attention.

“Yeah, but on you they look perfect.”

I felt an instant tingle between my legs and was afraid I might start dripping right there on the patio.

“You’ve been working out,” I commented as I surveyed his body. “And it looks like you’ve pumped up your love muscle.”

He looked down at the tent in his swim trunks and tried to hide his embarrassment. “Hey, don’t blame me. That’s what he does when he sees a hot naked girl walking around.”

My brother called me hot! This was working out better than I had hoped. I was 99% certain my stupid attempt to get his attention was going to end in nothing but humiliation and ridicule.

“Look, I know you’re my brother, but…I can’t hold back any more.”

With that I went and tugged his swim trunks down. Surprisingly, he didn’t resist. He didn’t yell at me or fight it. Instead, he lifted his butt and let me expose his big, beautiful cock to the sun. I stared at it like it was the first one I’d ever seen. It was actually the third, but it was also the best so far. I wanted my brother more than ever. I took a moment to listen for sounds of our parents coming home early. I was so horny at that point, I almost didn’t care if they caught me doing what I was about to do.

“What’s on your mind, cricket?”

He hadn’t called me that in years, probably not since I was 12. He said I was always chirping about something, and so he started calling me that. I used to hate it, but to hear him call me that now, in this most precarious of moments, told me he wanted it as badly as I did.

“What’s on my mind, dear brother, is to fuck that gorgeous cock of yours.”

Again, there was no argument as I mounted him. I expected at least some resistance. After all, I was his baby sister. Maybe he’d been wanting this all along just the same as me. It was all I could do to keep from hyperventilating as my fantasy became reality. I’d dreamed about this for so long, never believing it could ever happen, then all of the sudden, just like that…

I cried out as I lowered myself onto his hard cock, feeling pain and pleasure in equal parts. His soft head penetrated my tiny opening and I forced myself lower. My brother’s cock was going inside me. He was in my pussy. I was going to fuck my brother…for the first time. For my first time.

I thought I had become a woman that day I got my first period, but as my cunt filled with cock I finally knew what it truly meant to become a woman. I was shaking all over. I was so happy I could have cried, but I didn’t want to spoil what was happening.

“Fuck,” he groaned putting his hands on my hips and encouraging me to begin moving up and down on him. “If I’d known my little sister was a horny slut with the tightest pussy within a hundred miles, I would have done this a long time ago.”

“I’ve wanted to fuck you for years,” I confessed as I moved slowly, letting him fill me then pulling up so I could recreate that sensation over and over again.

“I had a feeling, but…you know…”

“Yeah, I know…” He had been as afraid to make a move as I had. All it took was for one of us to throw caution to the wind and take the ultimate risk. As I began bouncing up and down on my brother’s impossibly rigid erection, I was glad one of us finally did.

“I’m going to cum!” he called out and tried to push me up off of him.

“Me, too!” I called back. I’d never felt so high before. I was going to cum on my brother’s cock! I rode him even faster trying to reach heaven as fast as I could.

“No! Cricket, you don’t get it! I’m going to cum…like, right now!”

“Oh, fuck!” I yelled, not caring if the neighbors could hear me. “I’m cumming, too! Shit! Fuck me!”

My brother struggled under me. It seemed like he was trying to pull out, but there was no way I was going to release his cock until I was done with the best orgasm I’d ever had. God knows I loved to masturbate, but it didn’t even come close to the feeling of getting fucked.

When I finally did lift off of him, I felt a warm gush flow out of me. Only then did it dawn on me why he had become so panicked. He probably knew I wasn’t on any birth control. I squeezed my inner muscles and more of his thick goo drooled out of my well-stretched fuck hole. Our parents would kill us if I got pregnant. Somehow the idea of having my brother’s baby didn’t feel as scary to me as it should have.

Now…if only our dad was here to lick my dirty little pussy clean and suck all of my brother’s nasty sperm out of me…

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My Dirty Little Mailing List

So, here’s something fun that we can try out together and see how it works: a mailing list!

I’m sure you can think of a lot of things you’d rather try out with me, but I need to experiment with this thing as part of my effort to sell out. It looks like all of the erotica authors have these mailing lists to let readers know when they publish something new. I’ve had many requests over the years from people asking me to let them know when I publish a new chapter of something, which just isn’t practical on a one-to-one basis. I thought about doing something like a mailing list last year, but I realized I had enough going on without the added distraction. Now that I’ve streamlined things a bit with my back-to-basics effort, I think I can now fit this in without it being too much of a hassle.

My plan is to use “My Dirty Little Mailing List” to announce when I publish a new story/chapter at the blog (mine or someone else’s), and maybe for the occasional dirty thought that I want to share exclusively with list members. I’m not anticipating sending out more than a few emails a month, so I won’t be bombing your inbox with garbage on a daily basis. If you have any other creative ideas that I can use this mailing list for, let me know. And don’t worry, if you do sign up for my mailing list, I won’t be selling or trading your email to anyone for any reason, and I won’t be using it to try to sell you anything. I just want to learn how this whole mailing list thing works before I try to use it in the “real world.”

If you want to sign up for my boffo new mailing list, try clicking this link: My Dirty Little Mailing List

(Please note that I had to put in a physical mailing address in for some silly legal purposes, but I used a fake one, so don’t waste your time sending any dick pics there or driving to that address in hopes of peeking in my window while I’m playing with myself in the living room!)

Thanks for helping out, and thanks in advance for being patient with me while I figure all this out!

Hugz,
Rachael