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A.W.O.L. (Absent Writer Overthinking Leave)

Let me start with an apology for going AWOL on you all for the past few weeks. I’m sorry to have worried many of you, and to have disappointed everyone checking in with genitals in hand hoping to find something new to stimulate the aforementioned naughty bits. My quiet little life was thrown into a bit of a whirlwind recently – nothing bad, really, just very disruptive. This resulted in my favorite naughty hobby falling to the bottom of my “To Do” list. I kept planning on posting something to let everyone know what was going on, but it kept getting pushed off to tomorrow.

So, here’s the deal. My dear hubby has been offered a promotion at work (which we are very excited about). This promotion, however, is contingent on him doing a stint for the company overseas. A relatively long stint, at that. We began with discussions about it, which evolved into debates, and in a few instances turned into disputes. After all that, we’ve decided that he’s going to take the promotion and that me and the kids will be going along with him into the foreign unknown.

I’m very excited about this (in a non-panty-soaking sort of way) not only for his promotion, but for the opportunity to experience a new culture, and for the girls to expand their horizons at such a young age. But (you had to know there’d be a but!), our destination country is one that isn’t what we would call porn friendly. Ugh! Of course, this wasn’t exactly a viable argument for me to work into our discussions, though it probably factored more into my willingness to go that I’d like to admit.

We’re due to go in a couple of months, and I only have about a million and six things to do before that happens. I’m going to try to do a better job with updates and such during that time, but I’m probably going to be spotty at best. Then, once I get where we’re going, I’ll have a lot to figure out. Will I be able to safely circumvent the technical hurdles to accessing porn (including sites like my own blog)? Will the foreign secret police try to hunt down and punish an incest-adoring smut peddler like me? Plus, our internet access will be provided by my husband’s company – will their IT people notice that there is a lot of taboo traffic heating up our internet connection while my husband is supposedly working? Even if I’m just being paranoid, it feels like the risks are just way too high to be worth chancing it.

I don’t know. Maybe it won’t be as bad as I’m imagining, but at this point I’m assuming I’ll be restricted in what I can do online for one reason or another (perhaps trying to figure out life in a country where I don’t speak the language!). I keep imagining my husband being called into the boss’s office one day…”Hey, Dave, we need to talk about the erotic story your wife posted online the other day using our internet account that, according to the local unit of the Perversion Police, contains bisexual incestuous butt sex that takes place in front of a classroom of masturbating high schoolers…” Yeah, none of those imagined meetings ends up good for me.

So, I’m still completely unsure about how things will play out for my writing and blog (and masturbation material) at the moment. I figure the worst case scenario is that I will have to contain myself to offline writing (and wanking) while I’m on porn-hostile foreign soil. If I’m able to find the time, I can finish all the stories I’ve started and have yet to conclude. I can also, maybe, focus on my goal of writing an erotic novel (or two) that I can publish when I get home to the States. I just don’t know how much filthy freedom I’ll actually have, so I can’t say for sure what I’ll be able to do.

Either way, I should have posted all this a lot sooner and I apologize again for leaving you hanging in the meantime. I hope you can forgive me for being in a tizzy over this and not knowing yet how things will turn out. Your support and love over the years (can you believe it’s been YEARS!) has meant a lot to me, and know that I’ll be making every effort to keep our naughty fun rolling as best as I can while I embark on this adventure with my family.

Maybe I’ll just have to get better at multi-tasking…

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Wanton Potatoes: Movie Reviews for Perverts

I don’t know a lot about movies, but I consider myself fairly well-versed when it cums to perversion. This gave me the idea that perhaps I could exploit both my ignorance and expertise in an occasional movie review feature here at the blog designed to evaluate movies with a special focus on nudity, kinky situations, and all things sexual.

I have to imagine others have been doing the same thing for years, so I’m not under any delusions that I’ve come up with a wholly original concept here, but I figure as long as I’m watching these lousy movies in hopes of seeing some naughty stuff, that I could do you a favor and either warn you away or let you know if it’s worth checking out (oh, and whether you should be watching with or without pants on).

I haven’t done a lot of planning in terms of how I’m going to format these reviews, so we’ll just jump into it and see if it evolves into something viable, or goes extinct due to some very unintelligent design.

Below is a sample of what I’m looking at doing. Let me know what you think (or don’t think)!

Baywatch (2017)
Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Zac “The Twink” Efron, and hot girls.
Rating: R
Format: DVD

The latest exhibit entered into evidence in the ongoing case of “Has Hollywood Run Out of Original Ideas?” is another remake of an iconic TV show from the ‘90s. Full disclaimer, I never watched the show, but I feel I know everything I need to know about it: 1) Pamela Anderson, 2) David Hasselhoff, and 3) Boobs bouncing in slow motion as sexy women run.
Did I miss anything?

The movie pits Lt. Mitch Buchanan (The Rock) and the lifeguard crew of Emerald Bay, along with a few untested new trainees, against Victoria Leeds, an evil drug-dealing hotelieress out to privatize the beach through shady land deals and several high profile murders. Matt Brodie (Zac), an Olympic swimmer who earned 2 individual medals, but failed when it came to doing his part to help win any team medals, has been sentenced to the Baywatch crew as community service. Will he be able to put aside his selfish tendencies and learn to work as part of a team before the 3rd act climax? I think you already know the answer to that. (BTW, I don’t know (and/or don’t care) where spoiler alerts are supposed go, so you’ll just have to read these reviews at your own risk!)

I rented this one in hopes of finding some decent campy comedy (and lots of bouncing boobies). The film only mildly delivered on both counts. I got a few smiles out of it, but no LOLs that I can recall. There were at least three, maybe 4, slo-mo bouncing scenes (usually done as throwback gags). They were nice to see, but nothing I would consider as bonerific as the original TV show opener. All of you who were horny, hormonal boys during the ‘90s will have to confirm or contradict me on this.

I’m not the kind of lady to go ga-ga over bodybuilder type muscle men, but The Rock is one such fellow who can make me squirm in my seat when he takes off his shirt. His sweet, funny personality is such a contrast to his hunky body that it just does something for me. I’m more attracted to the gymnast type body – lean, solid muscles, but in proportions that I think I can handle. This is where my little nugget Zac comes in. He provided some tasty eye candy, especially in his American Ninja style try-out scene.

Not to fear, gentleman, there are plenty of female cuties to get your trousers roused as well. There’s a generous helping of cleavage in this movie – both tit cleavage and ass cleavage – to keep you at least at half-mast much of the time. The bad news is, there’s no female nipple action at all. I didn’t even really notice any of the girls rocking a decent pair of pokies! Very disappointing. This movie probably would have been rated PG-13 if it wasn’t for the naked dick scene.

Don’t get excited, the naked dick belonged to a dead guy in the morgue. Tsk, tsk, tsk. It seems about the only way we girls get a dick shot these days is if it belongs to a corpse. It happened in Game of Thrones recently, and also in another movie I saw not too long ago. Not the least bit erotic, and more of a turn off than anything else (especially since you can’t avoid looking at a naked dick, no matter if it’s alive or dead). There was a little bit of cock fun at the expense of the chubby “comic relief” character, who apparently has a huge dick, but we only ever saw hints of it through his swim trunks in a couple quick shots.

The Hoff’s cameo was amusing and tastefully quick. Pamela Anderson’s cameo treated us to a brief oasis of MILF cleavage, but otherwise added nothing of value to the movie. There was no worthwhile nudity (we did get to see the comic relief guy naked from behind in the shower), and no sex scenes at all. This is all the more frustrating since the setting and characters provide so many opportunities for naughty stuff! I suppose the Baywatch copyright holders were eager to preserve the family wholesomeness of the original TV show. With this being the case, I’d liken watching this movie to going to Hooters when what you really want is to go to Scores.

Jerk-Offability: Mid-Low (a few slo-mo bouncing titty scenes)
Diddleworthiness: Upper-Low (shirtless Rock and Zac running around)
Nudity: Very Low (fat guy’s naked butt)
Sex: None (not even any off-screen sex, as far as I could tell!)
Naughtiness: Minimal (a few sexy ass/boob references)
Perversion: Minimal (light homosexual necrophilia)
Watchability: Medium (mindless, but not overly annoying)

Recommendation: Something to watch if you don’t have to spend any money and want to kill an hour and fifty-six minutes (long plane ride?). Keep your pants on – at most, you’ll want to grope yourself a time or two.

My Director’s Cut: The Rock fucks everyone with full intensity…including Zac Efron.

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Come and Cum

Slippery Tip #8: Know your cum.

There’s an ongoing debate in porn grammar circles about which is “proper” – come or cum. The short answer is both. The long answer is either. This is one of those style choices I’ve mentioned before, where there’s not hard and fast rule that presides.

Cum is a slang term, not an official word, so some writers dismiss it on these grounds. Come is historically the original term of art, but I’m not going to bore you with the etymology. All that really matters is that for each story you write, you chose one form and stick with it. Consistency is the key to all the best orgasms! (I’m pretty sure I’m paraphrasing Einstein or Aristotle or MacArthur with that statement, but I can’t be bothered to look it up right now).

My preference, as you may have noticed, is to use cum. It feels dirtier to me, and just oozes sex! “I shot my come all over my mother’s face” doesn’t look right to me. Which I find distracting. Which causes my fingers to go still. Which doesn’t make anyone happy!

A good hybrid solution is to use “cum” only in the context of the noun form to represent the physical substance of the ejaculate, and use “come” as the verb for the act of ejaculating. Billy yelled, “I’m coming!” then shot a big wad of cum deep inside his sister’s cunt.

As long as you don’t switch back and forth between different forms, readers won’t much care which one you use if the story is otherwise turning them on. Although, I have one little caveat, which (again) is just my own personal preference. I use cum, cumming, came. I don’t like cummed as the past tense form. It just sounds dumb to me. But, if you want the climax of your sex scene to sound dumb, that’s up to you!

Also, as long as we’re on the subject, keep in mind that cum itself has discrete components. I sometimes see writers mess up the technical details of this – which, again, may not bother most readers, but the closer you can get to being accurate when you describe bodily details in detail, the better. Remember that semen is the whole package, same as cum – all the goo that shoots from the cock at orgasm. The semen contains sperm (those little wiggly fellas). You can get away with calling a guy’s ejaculate sperm (which I’ll sometimes do when it makes thing sound extra dirty), but it’s technically off the mark. Another good thing to note is that the sperm is produced and stored in the testicles, whereas the seminal fluid is produced by various glands scattered throughout the male reproductive system. Just keep this in mind next time you’re describing her “draining his balls” or “sucking his balls dry.” All the nasty ingredients that make up cum are magically brought together in the explosive process of orgasm to produce the delicious concoction that we all love so much.

Oh, and one more thing, a pet peeve of mine…cum isn’t sticky! Not at first. I’ve handled a lot of cum, as I’m sure all of you have, and the last thing you think when you play with a handful of the stuff is that it’s sticky. It’s gooey and gloopy, yes, but not sticky. In fact, it’s the exact opposite! Cum is slippery (which is how my tips got that way in the first place!). The main function of pre-cum is to help lube things up for penetration. One of the key functions of seminal fluid is to lubricate the pathway for those hard-swimming little sperms to get to where they’re going (which more often than not is your belly button). It’s NOT sticky! Now, give that cum a few hours pressed between the pages of a Playboy magazine hidden under a mattress, and that’s a whole different situation.

Bottom line: Decide which form of cum/come works for the story you’re writing and stick with that form throughout. Also, if you’re going to write about sex, it wouldn’t hurt to study up on the human reproductive system (and, guys, some of you need to pay special attention to the “womb” and its role in the normal course of sex and being a woman. Hint: I’ve never felt my womb “clench” upon seeing a sexy man cross my path).

Whew, now I’m in the mood to whip up a nice batch of my very own homemade lady cum. And I suggest the rest of you pull down your pants and do some research yourselves!

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Finding My Niche (Damn, that sounds dirty!)

At the risk of annoying many of you, I’m going to use this post to “think out loud” about my upcoming project to publish my first eThing for sale at Amazon (and possibly elsewhere). I’m still in the research and planning phase, but I’ve found myself hung up on a couple hurdles that should have been fairly easy for me to clear by this point.

As you know, my favorite themes to write about are unacceptable to the broader publishing world. Incest between blood-related family members is, at best, frowned upon, and more often outright forbidden. Also, I can’t write about characters even slightly under 18 exploring their sexuality and discovering the delights available to them right in their own backyard (or, right around the corner in their sister’s or parents’ bedroom). I’m not that hung up on the 18+ thing when it comes to commercial publishing, but what I’m having trouble with is the genre/niche issue.

My loose plan at the moment is to come up with a sexy pen name and write in a particular sexual niche to build up a reputation/audience in that world. From what I’ve read, it’s important to be consistent in terms of what kinds of stories you write under any given pen name. If I write four interracial cuckold stories as Mimi LaRue, when readers buy my fifth story expecting more of the same and instead find that it’s a FFM BBW BDSM story, they’ll feel duped and run me out of Amazon on a rail. If I want to write and sell that story, I’d need to publish it under a different pen name, e.g. Deedee Delite. So, bottom line, you need a different “brand” for each genre you write in. No biggie, I can manage that.

My real problem is that I can’t decide which niche I want to start with! I know that writing for money means I’ll be appealing to a completely different audience. I’d prefer to write something that would directly appeal to my existing loyal followers (that’s you!), but I know you’re all too smart to pay for your porn (ya cheap bastards!). To be honest, I wouldn’t pay for it either when there’s so much erotica out there for free. I guess it ultimately comes down to a matter of how much you value your private one-on-one time with your genitals – I know I’ve spent hours looking for a hot story to get off to and often ended up with a dry pussy, frustrated at not finding something that tickled my kitty in just the right way. All the porn I’ve sampled on Amazon so far has been stuff I’ve downloaded for free, and, to say the least, I haven’t been impressed (with the quality of writing or the storytelling).

Choosing what niche to write in shouldn’t be as much of a problem as I’m making it. My first tip to new writers is always: “Write what turns you on.” For me, blood-relative incest tops the list. Everything after that is a close 2nd or 3rd. The problem with me is that I can get turned on by whatever I put my mind to. As part of writing custom stories or doing role plays for hire, I found that knowing I was turning on my patron was a big part of what got me off while doing that kind of writing, even if the topic of their fantasy wasn’t something I was particularly into for my own sake. If the pregnant feet niche is where the action is, I feel like I could apply my personal take on it and have readers of that genre beating off just as hard as any seasoned pro in that niche can. (Or am I being too cocky for my own good?)

I guess one of the real reasons I’m doing my thinking aloud here is to hear what some of you think. I’m open to suggestions, either based on a fetish you have that you’d like to see me tackle in an eBook, or on where you think I’d fit in when it comes to the commercial “mainstream” world of erotica. The obvious choice would appear to be for me to write pseudo-incest (non-blood relations, such as steps and in-laws), but this niche as a consolation category annoys me. If feels very hypocritical, and the whole idea even though in many jurisdictions such relations are legally still considered incest, the publishers pretend like it’s okay because they want to dodge the moral distaste many have with raw incest, but still profit from its unmatched popularity. I don’t have a problem with writing about a girl lusting after her step-brother, or a man seducing his mother-in-law, if that’s the story I have in my head, but I hate feeling like I have to take my pure daddy/daughter story and force it into being a step-daddy/step-daughter story for the sake of someone else’s sensibilities (someone, btw, who is never going to read my stuff anyway!). For me, there’s more to it than just plugging in a “step-“ in front of whatever the familial relationship is.

Sorry for soapboxing about all this. #firstworldsmutpeddlerproblems

Anyway, I’m open to suggestions, criticism, or just free-floating comments on my possibly ill-advised endeavor and the stumbling blocks I’ve created for myself. Keep in mind that I’m not so much going into this for the money. As I have been from the beginning, I want to do my part to inspire people to orgasm, and have fun with myself while doing it. That being said, I define the success of my stories in large part by how many readers see my work. The more people that read my story, the more orgasms I’m likely to help generate. If this also just so happens to translate into some extra spending money for me to buy exotic, motorized sex toys and slinky lingerie, so much the better for me (and, maybe, my dear hubby)!

Thanks for putting up with me bitching and whining about all this, especially if you’re one of the many who hate the whole idea of me “selling out.”

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P.S. One thing that I’d really like to try my hand at is the hard-boiled erotic detective story. I love reading Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler, but the whole time I’m dying for some hardcore fuck scenes between the gruff detective and some of those drop-dead sexy femmes fatale! My worry is that I might be the only one who feels this way. Even though this is a type of story I’d really like to attempt, I don’t want to start with a flop right out of the gate due to a poor/fringe genre selection. (But, hey, the whole twist in Chinatown was based on incest, right!? Giggity!)

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Intensive Care

My pronounced lack of activity lately is due to an unfortunate series of events that began on Memorial Day when I was forced to visit the Emergency Room. Ugh! This led to a hospital admission and ultimately minor surgery on my foot. I don’t want to go into detail, but it’s nothing all that critical, however it has pretty much side-lined me more than I would like. I ended up spending most of last week in the hospital, and now I’m hobbling around at home unable to take a shower or focus on doing anything more mentally taxing than watching TV. So, basically, my life sucks right now!

I just wanted to post this quick note to let everyone know why I haven’t been able to do any updates lately, and that I may be out of it for a bit longer. Hopefully, as my recovery progresses, I’ll be on fewer mind-numbing meds and regain some of my mental acuity. I’m sorry for the lapse, but I promise that I’ll get back into the swing of things as soon as I’m able.

What a great way to start the summer! Grrr…