Tweeting Off


This is probably going to come off like a “humble brag,” but I wanted to take a minute to talk about my Twitter. I was dubious when I first made an account there for many reasons. Firstly, I felt like I was too old to be Tweeting, but it turns out the kids are doing their Snapchats and whatever the newest thing is and have left Twitter to the lame old “adults.” I also wasn’t sure I’d have anything worth Tweeting about. I still kind of think that, but it doesn’t really stop me. When I started, I expected to max out at about 20 or 30 followers. Would it really be worth the effort (albeit a small one) to come up with stuff to Tweet about for an audience that small? Then, I had assumed once I’d disappointing the few followers I had, I’d level off at about a dozen followers. Not for the first (or last) time…I was wrong.

To prove it, I hit the 15,000 follower mark this morning and I’m totally bemused and bewildered! I certainly don’t feel like I deserve so many followers, but I can’t really argue with the numbers. I guess I should start by thanking the folks here who have followed me at Twitter – I don’t want to label you as “stalkers,” but I am flattered by the expansive obsessiveness of your interest in me. I guess the most important thing is that many people discovered my blog after finding me on Twitter. Since one of the things that drives me is to attract as many readers to my dirty stories as I can (and thus increase the number of potential orgasms I might manage to wheedle out of various cocks and pussies) this is a good thing. I also like having a place to blurt out some of the random, weird, or nasty thoughts that cross my dirty mind as I go about my day. It would be a dirty shame is my perverted wisdom was wasted on me alone!

If I had known how much porn there was on Twitter, I probably would have signed up long before I actually did. One of my favorite parts of my daily routine is scrolling through all the naked ladies and erect guys that show up in my feed and get my juices flowing. Such a great source of carnal motivation. I have many good friends in real life, but I don’t have the kind of relationship with any of them that allows me to feel comfortable sharing any details of my sex life. But, I love that I can tell my Twitter friends about how I got fucked in the ass the night before, ate a big load of hubby’s cum during half-time, masturbated to forbidden thoughts about my young nephew, or simply had a pleasant evening of boring dick-in-twat married sex with my dear hubby. It’s very gratifying to have a safe place to openly share what I’m doing with my cunt and know that thousands of people are privy to what I would otherwise never whisper to another soul who knows me as the sweet, innocent mother and housewife that I present myself to world as.

I wonder how much porn is in Donald’s Twitter feed. Or, how many dick pics he receives each day. Maybe it’s also worth considering the possibility that the president has jacked off to my stories. Or at least had his Slovenian sex slave give him a tug job as Ivanka reads one of my stories to him at bedtime.

What a freaky modern world we’ve created for ourselves. I can’t wait to see what perversion enabling technologies we come up with next! I know it’s probably a long way off, but I’d love for body-morphing to be a thing. I so want to spend a week (or more) as a man with my very own cock. I’ve got a bad case of penis envy and would intensely enjoy experiencing what it feels like to really jerk off, penetrate someone with my very own flesh-and-blood cock, and ejaculate a big, gooey wad of cum all over someone’s face! I’d also want to try out big boobs. Nothing comically huge, but enough to draw lustful leers from the men, and scowls of jealous contempt from the women. It would be interesting to see if or how I might be treated if I were sporting a big, bouncy pair of barely contained bodacious ta-tas.

What high-tech perversion enabling innovation would you most like to see in your lifetime? Holographic porn? Sex robots? Full-spectrum STD eradication? Celebrity clones as sex slaves? Self-driving cars that allow you to masturbate on the highway with both hands as you commute? Or, how about zero-g sex in orbit? Or would trying to calculate all the equal and opposite reactions just cause you a boner-wilting headache? Or, maybe just a simple brain implant that would allow us to press a button for an instant orgasm whenever the mood strikes us? Hmm, tempting, but I really like playing with myself and working hard to earn my orgasms.

Wait…I thought this post was about Twitter…ah, well…as long as we’re having fun…

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Boys Should Be Boys

I want to talk about a phenomenon I find somewhat humorous without hurting anyone’s feelings. If you’ve done this thing with me, please don’t be embarrassed or think that I’m picking on you – I’m honestly not putting anyone down, but just bringing up an odd, behind-the-scenes reality that I think everyone will find at least interesting if not amusing.

So, a couple times a week, I’ll get an e-mail or a comment on one of my stories telling me how much the reader enjoyed it, then comes the funny part. I’ll get something like: “I REALLY ‘enjoyed’ it, if you know what I mean,” or “There was a big mess for me to clean up. Sorry for being so crass.” Also, variations such as: “I hope I don’t offend you by telling you about what your stories do for me, (and what I do to myself while I read them).” Very endearing, and I genuinely appreciate it whenever someone takes the time and effort to send me any kind of feedback, but I can’t help but be delightfully bemused by these sorts of apologetic admissions and tentative attempts to avoid offending me.

The main reason this gives me a giggle is that I write my stories for the express purpose of inducing people to masturbate with the heartfelt goal of inspiring a full-blown orgasm in all its glory! Explicitly telling me what you did to yourself while reading one of my stories, and the results thereof, is a HUGE compliment to me! The other thing that blows me away is that after reading one of my stories, full of perversion, filth, and the dirtiest words I can think of, that anyone would be the least bit concerned that I could possibly be offended by being told they masturbated and came to my writing! I’m a porn writer, for goodness sake! Jacking off, finger fucking, cum, and orgasms are my stock and trade! I probably masturbate more writing my stories than anyone does while reading them, so how can I be offended by anything at all, much less someone doing to themselves the exact same thing that I’m doing to myself?

My theory is that men have been so beaten down by feminist rhetoric that they reflexively feel any expression of their natural sexuality will be met with hostility if revealed to a woman (even a closet deviant like me). Before I get myself into trouble, I will declare (redundant though it may seem) that I believe in equal opportunity for all women and that there are many problems between men and women that need to be improved (and eventually resolved) when it comes to sexism and gender bias. However, I don’t believe that the way for us to raise our status as females is to tear men down – and I’m afraid that’s part of what’s happening. Men get punished for thinking and acting like men. In some areas this might be a good thing, but it seems to me that we’ve very much making the mistake of throwing out the masculine with the bath water.

As I say in one of my story site profiles (Lush, I think), “I don’t mind crude, but I don’t like rude.” It appears to be a fine line, but to me it’s simple. Be as filthy, and direct, and honest, and perverted as you like with me, just don’t be demanding, condescending, or arrogantly presumptuous. That’s rude, and no one likes that. I’ve had men contact me who have displayed each of those noxious qualities, and their messages go straight to the trash bin (as do the messages that are nothing more than “Hey there,” “What’s up,” “How are you,” or the like. If you don’t have anything more than that to offer, why are you bothering me?). Maybe I’m wrong, but I half expect these kind of inane overtures come from the same place – a man’s fear of saying anything offensive drives him to reach out in as innocuous way as he can in order to increase the chances of making a connection with a woman without “offending” her by revealing what he really wants. I suppose I can’t blame them.

So, many guys are reticent to come right out and tell me: “While I was reading your story I beat my swollen cock like a deranged fiend until my balls spasmed and I spewed a fountain of hot jizz all over myself. If I didn’t have my daughter’s panties stuffed in my mouth at the time, some of my own spunk would have shot straight into my mouth!” I find the kind of wary modesty I encounter funny given who I am and what I do, but I guess it’s also a little sad that men feel they have to self-censor even when dealing with a clearly depraved woman. I suppose I could chalk it up to them wanting to be gentlemen until they get to know me better, but I’m not so sure about that.

Yes, it’s odd to me, but (as I mentioned) I also find it endearing when someone is doing his best to avoid abusing my delicate sensibilities with nasty talk of penises, masturbation, and gooey ejaculate. After all, I am a mother, a wife, and a respected member of my community! One must assume that I don’t hold truck with strange men who would brazenly refer to their tallywakers and willymilk in the presence of a lady!

On a related note, I’ve noticed several women on Twitter vehemently complaining about unsolicited dick pics. Now, I can accept that there are women out there who don’t appreciate such things, but I can’t really fathom why anyone would get so incensed over it. If you don’t already know, I enjoy dick pics (solicited or not). NEVER have I been upset about seeing a cock, even when it’s one I haven’t asked for (although, if I saw one in the exam room while I was getting a pap smear, that might concern me a little). I’ve never been flashed before, but if the conditions were safe, I think I’d rather enjoy it! So, why all the rage over a generous man sending you a harmless photo of their junk? I take it as a gift, and I’m always humbly grateful that some man was willing to take a risk share his privates with me. I also know that men like for women to see their cock, and I would never want to be the one to deny them that joy.

The only thing that puts me off a little is when the lovely gift comes with an obligation. “Here’s an unsolicited picture of my dick, now you owe me a picture of your tits, pussy, ass, feet, armpit, bowel movement (yes, I’ve gotten that one), or all of the above.” The other common obligation attached to an otherwise welcomed gift is, “Tell me what you think of my cock.” I understand the desire to have your penis praised (or, in some cases, belittled), but it puts me in a bit of a spot. I’d rather just enjoy your dick for what it is rather than be given the added assignment of having to provide a review.

Okay, I’m wandering off topic. So, bottom line: Always feel free to be open, honest, and explicit with me. When it comes to that, I’m all but un-offendable. Secondly, all those snotty bitches out there need to stop complaining about dick pics, and be thankful anyone is willing to share their naughty bits with them (even if they’re a lesbian – it won’t kill you to look at a nice cock once in a while!).

Hmmm…now that I think of it, I’ve never heard a man complain about unsolicited pussy pics. Perhaps we will never resolve this sexism stuff as long as men and women are so different. And maybe that’s not the worst thing in the world when you come right down to it…